Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #86: Body Of Evidence

Hey, everyone! Welcome to the 86th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. Apologies for the lateness of this edition. I was going to post this at the end of July as originally planned but due to moving to a new place and buch of other stuff, I didn’t get a chance to do it until now. As you already know last month here on, I posted up poll with three bad movies and I said that whichever one out of those three films had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. For this 86th installment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… BODY OF EVIDENCE! Is this absolutely worst film to come out of the post-BASIC INSTINCT erotic thriller trend in the ’90s? Does Madonna deserve better acting roles than this? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

Bede @BedeJermyn

I know I’ve said this a billion times before, but I’m going to say it again: is it too late for me to *not* watch this film? #BodyOfEvidence

The MGM is warning us to stay away from this film right now. #BodyOfEvidence

Okay, I’m just going to come out and say it: how is it possible that so many talented people can be involved with a film like this? #BodyOfEvidence

Yep, it’s official. Even this movie pretty much says that watching any film with Madonna in it, even including a sex tape, will pretty much make die of heart failure. #BodyOfEvidence

I have many questions about this film. The first one being how about those Joe Mantegna know what nipple clamps are and why is he “well informed” about them? #BodyOfEvidence

Geez, cops. Have some respect for the dead. #BodyOfEvidence

Yeah. I think it’s pretty easy to see that the only reason this film was made was because BASIC INSTINCT was a huge hit. #BodyOfEvidence

Willem Dafoe has arrived. You know your a great actor when a film as terrible as this manages not to ruin your career. #BodyOfEvidence

Oh, man. Madonna has been onscreen for a few seconds and her performance is already awful. Seriously seeing her trying to emote is very painful to watch. #BodyOfEvidence

Madonna can actually be really good when she’s given a supporting role (DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN, DICK TRACY, A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN) but it comes to her leading ones, she’s not very good. #BodyOfEvidence

Oh, hi Julianne Moore. You’re in this film too as Dafoe’s wife. Even though I know it’s one of your earliest roles, you deserve better than this. #BodyOfEvidence

“Can you really screw someone to death?” Yep. That’s the one question that every Dad wants to hear their young son say to them. #BodyOfEvidence

Goodbye, son of Dafoe & Moore’s characters! This scene is the first and last time we see you in this film! #BodyOfEvidence

Yeah… It’s very obvious that Madonna killed her old boyfriend. Even a blind person can see it clear as day that she did it. #BodyOfEvidence

I know that the cops are arresting her for suspicion of killing her boyfriend, but I think they are really arresting Maddona for her bad acting. #BodyOfEvidence

Geez. The film hasn’t gone 15 minutes yet and already so much has happened with the story so far. This film is the definition of being rushed. #BodyOfEvidence

Every character in this film so far when they talk to Madonna. #BodyOfEvidence

How is is possible that every sexy erotic thriller from ‘90s was just not sexy at all but totally eww? #BodyOfEvidence

“He’s girlfriend was a coke head slut” Hmmm… I don’t know about anyone else, but I think that Anne Acher’s character really hates Madonna. #BodyOfEvidence

Ahhh… Yeah… That donut Joe Mantegna offered Willem Dafoe doesn’t look appetizing at all. #BodyOfEvidence

Madonna & Willem Dafoe have walked into a herbal shop. This scene would be better if it was that store from GREMLINS. #BodyOfEvidence

Yep. Let’s slow the film down so we can see Madonna get acupuncture. #BodyOfEvidence

Willem Dafoe is patting a pussy. I have a strange feeling it’s not the only he’s going to do that to in this film. #BodyOfEvidence

Oh, dear God. Brace yourselves, everyone. The first of this film’s very boring and drawn out courtroom scenes have arrived. #BodyOfEvidence

Change it from hands to sex, and this is Joe Mantegna’s opening statement about Madonna being a “deadly weapon”. #BodyOfEvidence

“The testimonial in this trial will be sexual explicit. And you may even find it offensive. Maybe even offensive.” Which is all the things this film is trying to do fails miserably at. #BodyOfEvidence

I like how all the extras in these courtroom scenes look so bored. #BodyOfEvidence

Seriously, once again, how on earth did this film get this cast? It’s literally every 5 minute someone actor I recognise pops up in this film. #BodyOfEvidence

Yeah… It would have been 100 times better if the Marsh that they’re all talking about who was murdered by Madonna was this one. #BodyOfEvidence

“This is going to be a long trial.” This is going to be a long movie. #BodyOfEvidence

Arnold Schwarzenegger! Oh, wait. That’s Jürgen Prochnow. Sorry. #BodyOfEvidence

Anne Archer… What the hell is up with your hair in this scene? It looks like about to attack Willem Dafoe on the stand. #BodyOfEvidence

The look on Willem Dafoe’s face pretty much tells us that he is totally turned on by Madonna’s strawberry story. #BodyOfEvidence

Dafoe just tried to kiss Madonna. I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure as her lawyer, you shouldn’t be doing that. Especially when you’re married. #BodyOfEvidence

I gotta say… That is without a doubt the biggest houseboat I have ever seen. #BodyOfEvidence

Willem Dafoe when he heard that Madonna was going to approach their sex scenes in “scientific” way before they started filming. #BodyOfEvidence

I don’t know how it’s possible that Maddona & Willem Dafoe made some of the most unsexy sex scenes history, but they certainly did their best to make them so. #BodyOfEvidence

Oh, dear God… Here comes the candle wax… #BodyOfEvidence

The fact that used real melted candle wax on Dafoe would have hurt like mother fucker. #BodyOfEvidence

Oh, dear… Did Madonna just put wax on Dafoe’s… You know.. *Shudders* #BodyOfEvidence

I wish that this certain that’s in the foreground was a bit more thicker so I didn’t have to see this sex scene. #BodyOfEvidence

Are these the most boring courtroom scenes in the history of cinema? Yes. Yes, they are. #BodyOfEvidence

Damn. Madonna is pretty daring to try and jerk off Dafoe surrounded by in a elevator. I don’t know how anyone can’t notice though. #BodyOfEvidence

Oh, dear God, no! Other than the candle wax sex scene, the other infamous sex scene involving shattered lightbulbs has arrived to scar us all! #BodyOfEvidence

Unsexy saxophone music. #BodyOfEvidence

SERIOUSLY!? How can anyone not notice Madonna & Dafoe having sex on the hood of that car?! It’s a bit hard not to! #BodyOfEvidence

Yeah… Don’t know kinky you are, laying on top of shattered glass while having sex is not something I would consider fun. #BodyOfEvidence

I’m really surprised Dafoe didn’t go to the hospital due to the amount of deep cuts he would have gotten from shattered light-bulbs. #BodyOfEvidence

Everyone watching these courtroom scenes so far. #BodyOfEvidence

Oh, hi Frank Langella! I don’t know why you’re here, but it’s good that you got paid really well for doing this pointless cameo. #BodyOfEvidence

You know that Frank Langella is a great actor when he’s giving a better performance than this film deserves. #BodyOfEvidence

It has to say something for Frank Langella when playing Skeletor in MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE is more dignifying than being in this film. #BodyOfEvidence

“You think I killed Andrew?” “So does everyone else in that courtroom!” I wager even the audience as well since this film is predictable as hell. #BodyOfEvidence

“Where’s Michael?” Not in the rest of this movie. #BodyOfEvidence

Seriously, Dafoe? You honestly didn’t think that your wife wasn’t going to find out that you were having an affair with Madonna? Even if Madonna didn’t tell her, Moore was going to find out from all the cuts and bruises from having sex. #BodyOfEvidence

Okay… I didn’t really need to see a very close up shot of Madonna pleasuring herself. There is such thing as subtlety. #BodyOfEvidence

Here’s an idea, Dafoe. You could have sex with her, but how about not. #BodyOfEvidence

Oh, geez. They’ve brought out the handcuffs!!! #BodyOfEvidence

You know what? I think if you cut out all the sex and courtroom scenes, this film would only be run for 10 minutes. #BodyOfEvidence

Wait, Madonna’s boyfriend was also having sex with his secretary Anne Archer?! Sorry, still don’t care. #BodyOfEvidence

Nice to see that Anne Archer’s hair isn’t as terrifying as it was earlier. #BodyOfEvidence

“You’re thinking I did?” “*Maybe* you did?” OF COURSE YOU DID! It’s so obviously! #BodyOfEvidence

Poor Julianne Moore. You’re a terrific actress but man, you’re almost giving Madonna a run for her money in the bad acting department. #BodyOfEvidence

You know you’re courtroom scenes are dull when I’m interested in what the extras are doing in the background. #BodyOfEvidence

Madonna trying not laugh at that line she just said may be the best thing she’s done in this film. #BodyOfEvidence

“Did you beat him?” THAT’S NOT TRUE! IT’S BULLSHIT! I DID NOT HIT HIM! I DID NNNAAATTT… Oh, hi, Mantegna! Okay, Madonna didn’t say that, but it would have been better if she did. #BodyOfEvidence

“He was in bed with another man.” Wait… What?! The man that Madonna’s boyfriend slept with was Frank Langella?! #BodyOfEvidence

“We the jury find the defendant… Not guilty. However we find her guilty of being a bad actress.” #BodyOfEvidence

“Frank, thanks. You almost convinced me.” OMG… Madonna actually DID murder her boyfriend after all! #BodyOfEvidence

Holy shit! Jürgen Prochnow working with Madonna this entire time! Why am I not surprised? #BodyOfEvidence

“I would have given you the same defense.” You know what? Dafoe is right. If he and Madonna never had sex, the outcome of the trail would have been the same anyway. So their affair was completely pointless. #BodyOfEvidence

If the whole point of this film is not to judge a sexually liberated woman, it’s not doing a good job of it. #BodyOfEvidence

Uh, oh. Jürgen has turned on Madonna. Who didn’t see what coming either? #BodyOfEvidence

Is it weird that my biggest takeaway from this film is that I want Madonna’s massive houseboat? #BodyOfEvidence

Holy crap! Jürgen just shot Madonna to death! Shit just got real, yo! #BodyOfEvidence

Julianne Moore has shown up with the police. I guess everything with will be alright now. They shouldn’t, but they will. #BodyOfEvidence

Well, that’s the end of the film. There was only one good Hollywood erotic thriller to come of the ‘90s, this film wasn’t it. Like at all. Go watch BASIC INSTINCT instead. It’s better. #BodyOfEvidence

I hope you all enjoyed reading this 86th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out in early September for my 87th edition, which I could be doing on one of the following three bad films: FREEJACK, JONAH HEX or LITTLE ITALY. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on soon!

Written by Bede Jermyn


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