Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #33: Kazaam

Hey everyone! Welcome to the 33rd edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. As you already know last month here on SuperMarcey.com I posted up poll with three bad movies and I said that whichever one out of those three films had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. For this installment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… KAZAAM! Is this really one of the worst family films released in the ’90s? Can I buy Shaq more as a genie than as a superhero? Read on and find out! Enjoy

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Bede @BedeJermyn

I know I’ve said this many times before but I’m going to say it again: is it too late for me to NOT watch this film?

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Oh, Shaq. You were great basketball player but sadly, you weren’t cut out to be an actor.

Yeah, I buy the idea of Shaq as a genie just as much as I buy Denise Richards as nuclear physicist.

You know how you can tell this film was made in the 90s? The score is done in style of New Jack Swing.

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Here is our main character Max. Why do I get the feeling I’m REALLY not going to like this kid?

Homework malfunction? I don’t know what that is and I don’t want to know.

Now this isn’t realistic at all. No 12-year-old kid in the 90s would know who Buster Keaton is. That’s just ridiculous.

So Max’s Mum and her boyfriend are about to tell him that they are engaged. Yeah, Max is not going to take this news well.

The Mum’s boyfriend kind of looks like Steve Guttenberg. He’s probably the budget version.

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Oh no! Some bullies are chasing after Max! It’s probably because they really wanted him to his hair cut.

Yes, Max. Hide in that old creepy looking abandoned building. Nothing bad won’t happened to you while your in there.

Max just three stories though a hole inside the building. If this was set in the real world he would definitely be dead for sure.

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So… Instead living inside a magic lamb, Shaq lives inside a magic boom box. No, I’m not making this crap up!

Geez, not only is Shaq not cut out to be an actor, he’s a really bad rapper too.

Seriously, all his rhymes that he’s character is shouting are so badly written. I would have come up with better ones.

Come to think of it, why is Kazaam even rapping in the first place? It doesn’t make any sense.

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You know for someone who has been in a magic lamp/boom box for thousands for years, I’m surprised that Kazaam knows what a car is.

The Mom’s boyfriend Travis seems like a really nice guy. No wonder Max doesn’t like him.

Is just me or was every kid character in 90s family film had parents who were going though an divorce? It seems like it.

Yep, cans get enough of that New Jack Swing sound.

Yeah, I think it’s a bit creepy that Shaq is following a young kid down the street.

Yeah, I’m sorry, Kazaam. You’re too bloody big to hide behind stuff.

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Max is on his way to meet his biological Dad. Yeah, I have a feeling this is lot going to end well.

Yeah, that Father and son meeting didn’t go well. Even a blind person could have seen that coming a mile away.

What the hell is this place that Max is hiding out at? It looks bizarre.

KAZAAM, Francis Capra, Shaquille O'Neal, 1996, (c)Buena Vista Pictures

Oh, no. Mid-90s CGI effects *Shudders*

Please, Shaq. Please stop rapping.

Why do I get the feeling Shaq wrote in his contract that he would only star in this film if he gets to rap all his dialogue.

You know it doesn’t surprise me at all that Max’s 1st wish would be to have a lot of junk food. Not world peace, junk food. Figures.

Geez, Max. Why didn’t you ask Kazaam to send all this food over to people who are suffering from hunger? What a jerk.

“Stop rhyming!” That’s the most truthful thing that Max has said to Kazaam in this entire film.

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So this film is about a young while privileged kid ‘owning’ a black genie… There’s something seriously disturbing about that image

You know what, I don’t know what that white oozy stuff was in Max’s pocket. I’m already disturbed enough by this film as it is.

Also another thing: why is that kid in the ’90s was named Max? Couldn’t anyone else come up with other names?

Oh, hi Da Brat! It’s nice to see that GLITTER wasn’t the only terrible film that you’ve appeared in.

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I like how Max’s real Dad goes into full Dad mode once he finds out that Max is his son.

Wait, Max hasn’t been back at his place in two days?! Did I hear that right?! o_O

Geez, Max is such a jerk to his Mum. No wonder he’s completely unlikable.

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I like how back in the 90s, one of the main fashion tends was clothes that look like that their made of aluminium foil.

Wait, are Kazaam and the rap group Salt ‘N’ Peppa an impromptu rap battle? This doesn’t make any sense.

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Max’s Dad is in the piracy by business and their main resource is illegally record live shows and sell them on the black market.

People are eating goat eyes in this film… Eeeewwww!

Geez, Max and the bullies stealing a pirated cassette tape could be so seriously dramatic.

Max and Kazaam are sharing a bed together… Okay, it’s official. This is the most disturbing film of all time.

“You pervert!” This is second most truthful thing that Max has said in this film.

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Kazaam is now having shower in Max’s while he is watching on. Yep, this film is getting more disturbing by the minute.

Oh, geez. There’s that terrible 90s CGI effects again. It’s just keeps getting worse as it goes along.

Wait, Kazaam was responsible for the destruction of Pompeii?! Oh my God. That makes him worst mass killer in all of history o_O

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Kazaam’s reckons that Max’s rapping was really awful. Clearly he has heard his ryhmes ’cause he’s own rapping is much worse!

Okay, now the film has turned into a music video all of a sudden. A really bad one as matter as fact.

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Man, Shaq’s fashion sense in this film is hilariously awful.

Well… This film has suddenly shift its tone from silly family comedy to an intense drama in a split second.

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So Max just few out of a glass of water that Kazaam was about to drink. Seriously, this is actually happening in this film.

I like how his teacher and classmates aren’t fazed that Max just suddenly appeared in burst of light in the class all of a sudden.

Okay, this film has seriously become a full-blown drama. It’s so completely jarring compared to what happened earlier.

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Seriously, how own on earth is Kazaam headlining his own rap concert? He’s a terrible rapper! IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!

Yeah, I bet these concert goers must have been paid a lot of money to pretend to enjoy Kazaam’s concert.

Oh, man. This film has gone so overdramatic now!

Holy crap! The bad guy just pushed Max down an elevator shaft and murdered him! WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?!!! o_O

Whoa! Kazaam is now going on the town on the bad guys! I think I’m having STEEL flashbacks.

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Kazaam just swished the bad guy into a ball and then slam dunked him into a garbage shoot. Yeah, you read that correctly.

I suppose they make some kind of reference to Shaq’s basketball career somehow. It just feels so forced.

Yep, he’s dead. Max is totally dead right now.

Geez, even Shaq is given the classic “Noooo!!!” moment, it comes across as being really awkward.

Wait, Kazaam was somehow able to bring Max back to life. I suppose I should be happy but I’m like, “whatever”.

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Okay, Kazaam has now turned into a giant ball of golden bright light ’cause he is now free. I do know why, he just did.

Well, it looks like Max’s real Dad might be going to jail. I think when Max wished him a second chance, I don’t think that was it.

Well, it looks like Max has finally accepted Travis as step-dad. Who didn’t see that coming too?

Now that Kazaam is free from being a genie, his new girlfriend wants him to go get a job. I’m pretty sure being a genie was a job.

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Well, that’s the end of the film. After this and STEEL, I think it was a good idea that Shaq should have stuck to basketball.

Also I’m so very, very glad that he’s rap career didn’t take off either. That was something the world didn’t need. Thank God.

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this 34th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out in February for my 33rd edition, which I could be doing on one of the following three bad films: FREDDY’S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE, RHINESTONE and X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon!

– Bede Jermyn

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