The Super Network

This is one movie I’ve been salivating to cover on this site for some time now and finally I can! “John Carpenter’s Vampires” holds the distinction of being one of my supreme favourite “great bad movies” due to it’s offensive humour, questionable characters and overall spitting upon good taste. However, to it’s credit,  the movie portrays the vampires themselves as feral beasts who aren’t at all interested in making nice with lost loves or giving interviews. If you are in their way, mere mortal, they will eat you or at least rip you to shreds. While the movie has very, very, VERY loose ties to John Steakley’s book “Vampire$”, I enjoy the Western feel to the picture. Carpenter has always incorporated some sort of Western element into his films by way of Peckinpah or Hawks. It’s hardly a successful interpretation, but I would watch this over the similarly toned “The Forsaken” any day… or night.

#90shorrorthon  I have the soundtrack to this movie that I won in a competition way back when the movie was SUPPOSED to come out here.

#90shorrorthon “Vampires” really does make good use of it’s location set in New Mexico. In the book, it was mostly set in Texas, little tidbit for ya.

#90shorrorthon “How’s it look?” “Like another New Mexican shithole. Perfect spot for a nest.” HAH! Dat Jack Crow.

#90shorrorthon I thought of clowns fumbling out of a car as the slayers piled out of the armoured van. Aren’t I a stinkah?

#90shorrorthon Looking at the weapons the slayers use. They are a combination between contemporary with a mix of Spanish conquistador.

#90shorrorthon If Jack was ever planning on having kids, those jeans aren’t gonna help his cause.

#90shorrorthon The Vatican Wild Bunch ladies and gentlemen.

#90shorrorthon I know it’s in the interest of the movie, but rather than be all stealthy, why don’t they, say demolish and burn the house?

#90shorrorthon I wonder what the average life expectancy of a Vatican slayer is?

#90shorrorthon  AND EDWARD POPS OUT AND THE SLAYERS EXPLODE HIS SPARKLY ARSE!

#90shorrorthon LOL silly jump scare is silly.

#90shorrorthon “Suck it up.” Ha-ha-ha.

#90shorrorthon Vampire fangirl!

#90shorrorthon Danielle Burgio (first female goon) is one of my fave people. She’s awesome.

#90shorrorthon I do like that fragile hand being shot off. Pleasantly icky.

#90shorrorthon Vampire Roman Candle!

#90shorrorthon I love how Crow has a sense of malign cruelty toward the vampires. This isn’t just business for him. It’s personal.

#90shorrorthon “Fuck it, not only ugly it SMELLS bad.” Glass houses Jack. 😉

#90shorrorthon “Nothing like a little head, eh Padre?” Charming, Daniel Baldwin. Very fucking charming.

#90shorrorthon Nah, of COURSE there isn’t another vampire nest hanging around, that would be RIDICULOUS!

#90shorrorthon Ass. But no titties. Yet.

#90shorrorthon *sings Angry Joe’s song* Asstittiesassandtitties.

#90shorrorthon Sheryl Lee is far too beautiful for James Woods. Speaking of which, I miss that woman.

#90shorrorthon Oh, there’s the titties.

#90shorrorthon Who had a crush on Thomas Ian Griffith as Valek? *raises hand enthusiastically* Guy has a distinct Christopher Lee vibe.

#90shorrorthon “What are you on, acid?” Don’t think I’ve heard that being said to a priest before.

#90shorrorthon Valek got into trouble with some scotch tape and a trampoline. Get down from there!

#90shorrorthon Uh, yeah. That bite. I… well geez what can I say?!?!

#90shorrorthon Room service! Somebody order the evisceration to go?

#90shorrorthon If only this scene was a little more kinetic to drive home the horror of what Jack was seeing. It’s a little too prosaic.

#90shorrorthon 1,2, Valek’s chasing youuuuu.

#90shorrorthon A bullet to the head doesn’t hurt a vampire, but it sure as hell HURTS!

#90shorrorthon It was a shitty pickup truck anyway.

#90shorrothon I’m not going to deny I am seeing a portrayal of misogyny with Jack pushing Katrina around but it doesn’t seem condoning.

#90shorrorthon Lookee, lookee, it’s Frank Darabont! What are ya doing all the way out here driving that fancy muscle car?

#90shorrorthon Well, that’s one way to jack a car.

#90shorrorthon Yeah, vampire slayers who are really mercs harping on about rules and protocol makes me laugh too.

#90shorrorthon “I get nervous when you’re not around.” Awww, bromance.

#90shorrorthon I’m enormously fond about how Jack goes about disposing of the bodies of his comrades and the other casualties. Makes sense. 

#90shorrorthon  Saw you flinch walking away from the exploding hotel, Jack. 😉

#90shorrorthon Nice continuity error. 😉

#90shorrorthon $400 bucks doesn’t seem like such a huge sum these days for a stay in a mid-class hotel.

#90shorrorthon “That your girlfriend?” “No, it’s my fuckin’ mother, gimme the key.” Hahah.

#90shorrorthon Valek loves a bit of trainspotting in between massacres.

#90shorrorthon LOL @ bodyguard searching Jack who reaches for Jack’s hip holster and Jack slapping his hand away. Don’t flatter yourself!

#90shorrothon RIP Maximillian Schell.

#90shorrorthon Funny how Tim Guinee (Adam) also appeared in another vampire movie “Blade” in the same year only here he doesn’t die badly!

#90shorrorthon It’s still pretty absurd they have a clearly German actor playing an Italian cardinal. X-D

#90shorrorthon Jack knows he’s being lied to.

#90shorrorthon Jack Crow getting openly angry with clergymen makes me happy inside. “Shut the FUCK up! This was your fight, now it’s mine!”

#90shorrothon I really want to give Father Adam a hug. He reminds me of a teddy bear.

#90shorrorthon I would actually like to see a prequel that involves Jack as a younger slayer, earning his stripes. Has interesting potential.

#90shorrorthon And every man in the audience did a fist pump and hiss “Yeeeeeesssss.” @ Sheryl Lee nudity. Granted, it IS a great butt.

#90shorrorthon You got a way with the ladies, Montoya.

#90shorrorthon Boo hoo, she’s covered up now. I drink your tears, perverts. 😀

#90shorrorthon Haha Adam really is eager to please Jack by expressing his appreciation for the slayers and Jack is having none of it.

#90shorrorthon Hehe, if Father Adam were a bishop and if Jack tried choking him, would that be called… “choking the bishop”?

#90shorrorthon “You think I won’t kill you because you’re a priest, you are seriously mistaking the wrong motherfucker!”

#90shorrorthon This explanation about vampires is IMMORTAL. Even if you have nothing else charitable to say about the movie, this is BRILL.

#90shorrorthon “Strada chocolata”. Love it.

#90shorrorthon For somebody who is extremely mistrustful and paranoid, Jack didn’t seem hesitant about handing over the map to Adam.

#90shorrorthon “Did that give ya wood?” Oh dear god.

#90shorrorthon Valek has an awesome evil grin there. He looks so HAPPY.

#90shorrorthon Can’t say I’ve ever heard the infectious nature of vampirism being likened to Kool-Aid. Ohhhhh YEAAAAHHHH.

#90shorrorthon That take out burger looks as disgusting as it would taste.

#90shorrorthon Despite the outrageousness of all that is going on, this small conversation between Lee and Baldwin is… real.

#90shorrorthon  It is exchanges like these between Montoya and Katrina that make me personally believe this film isn’t misogynistic.

#90shorrorthon Haha and just like that Montoya goes from sympathetic to moron in 10 seconds. Katrina is like “Fuck it.”

#90shorrorthon Lee is my favourite actor in the movie. Woods and co. are bombastic, but she grounds the film with her role. I care for her.

#90shorrorthon Valek-Vision!

#90shorrorthon I’m actually curious as to how Valek abducted the priest? Did he knock him out? Hypnotise him? Offer him candy?

#90shorrorthon Poor Katrina 😦

#90shorrorthon Cauterizing vampire bites is legit medical practice!

#90shorrorthon Knock, knock, Avon calling. Oh, it’s just you Jack.

#90shorrorthon “LANGUAGE!” I was expecting Adam to say “You hit me with the phone, dick!”

#90shorrorthon Great ‘possessed’ acting from Lee. She outshines every actor in that room.

#90shorrorthon OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

#90shorrorthon Yikes, that scream.

#90shorrorthon NOW Lilian can use the phone (Eddie Murphy “Raw” reference)

#90shorrorthon Oh, oh, Father Adam knows something!

#90shorrorthon “We found him.” I’ll say you did. Nice decapitation from Nicotero and co.

#90shorrorthon Love this moment with the master vampires arising from the earth. I read how this was done, my heart goes out to the actors!

#90shorrorthon The vampiric equivalent to the Wild Bunch. I wonder if this is a mirror to the shot with all the slayers at the beginning.

#90shorrorthon Crow putting the screws on Father Adam is an exercise in bad taste but boy oh boy it’s hilarious. Poor, poor Adam.

#90shorrothon Again, I really want to see a back story about Jack Crow made a reality. Web series, movie, comic. I don’t care, I’d watch it.

#90shorrorthon During Adam’s explanation about the Berzier Cross and Valek’s condemnation, I would have loved to have seen a flashback.

#90shorrorthon All New Mexican priests have been fired due to budget… CUTS.

#90shorrorthon Valek’s roar of triumph translation: “YAY, I GOT IT LET’S PARTY!!!”

#90shorrorthon That courtyard is like my house every weekend. Blood coming out of the fountain and everything.

#90shorrorthon Aww, Montoya is defending Katrina’s half undead honor.

#90shorrorthon FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Get out of the way, Adam!

#90shorrorthon Damn, no fight.

#90shorrorthon LOL@ Montoya looking around when Katrina says Valek is there. She meant in the town, not right behind you waving, dummy.

#90shorrorthon Oh hey, it’s “Rio Bravo”.

#90shorrorthon “Time to kill some vampires!”

#90shorrorthon Gotta love how Adam is suited up in proper melee armour while Jack and Montoya are strutting around wearing their civvies.

#90shorrorthon Bahah, Jack just bag-tagged that vampire.

#90shorrorthon Kill the vampire with the STAKE, Adam, THE STAKE.

#90shorrorthon LOL @ Adam Norman Bates-ing the vampire. Atta boy!

#90shorrorthon  “Okay Padre, lather up and shave your ass, you’re the bait.”

#90shorrorthon Katrina has really held out in keeping her humanity in check. Better than I could.

#90shorrorthon Hehe, Adam’s awkward camera wave.

#90shorrorthon Run, Adam, run! He’s a nimble chap to outfox a master vampire.

#90shorrorthon I wish this scene was made more suspenseful. Perfect opportunity- lower levels of a jail, dark and full of shadows.

#90shorrorthon Well, that was a piece of cake all things considered!

#90shorrorthon Haha, of COURSE female masters are twice badass as their male counterparts.

#90shorrorthon “You never told me they could do that!” “I didn’t know they could do THAT!”

#90shorrorthon Haha, sort of abuse is Jack hurling at the vampiress exactly? Sounds a little like an R-Rated Taz the Tasmanian Devil.

#90shorrorthon Something vampy this way comes…

#90shorrorthon Rule Number 10: You can’t kill a Master at night. Uhhh, why? Explain yourself!

#90shorrorthon “Hello, JACK.”

#90shorrorthon Sheryl Lee in Feral Mode- AWESOME.

#90shorrorthon That look on her face when she exists the vehicle. Whoa.

#90shorrorthon This entire scene is perhaps the most time Valek has been on screen at once.

#90shorrothon So, Cardinal Schell is a bit of a dick. Somehow Jack isn’t surprised.

#90shorrorthon “Fucking pole smoking fashion victim, come over here.” Even in the face of certain horrible death Jack trolls like a champion.

#90shorrorthon How come nobody thought to capture Adam? Sure he wasn’t much of a factor, but still, he is still a threat.

#90shorrorthon Did I mention Vampire Sheryl Lee is hawt? She’s hawt.

#90shorrorthon “You hate what you made, you fear it, because it is SUPERIOR to you.” Valek landed a zinger.

#90shorrorthon Despite basically having his jugular ripped open, Montoya has made a REMARKABLE recovery.

#90shorrorthon Jack Crow is strapped onto a cross and… oh I get it. Jack Crow. Jesus Christ. JC. Got it.

#90horrorthon Haha, love Valek’s “WTF?!?!” reaction when Cardinal Schell gets a case of shot in the heart.

#90horrorthon “Come on Padre, hurry up my nuts are on fire here!”

#90shorrorthon  Father Adam has been officially blooded. May he revel in the massacre we unfortunately cannot see. 😦

#90shorrorthon Jack while weakened uses his wits the take down the physically superior Valek as dawn ravages outside. Missed opportunity. 😦

#90shorrorthon Just couldn’t resist a dick joke could you, Jack? Geez.

#90shorrorthon Adam looks very comfortable with that shotgun…

#90shorrorthon Rule Number 1: If your partner is ever bitten by a vampire, never ever let him live.

#90shorrorthon  It was kinda nice that Jack gave Montoya a head start and finally showed some consideration toward Katrina.

#90shorrorthon “Wherever you go, I will hunt you down. And I will kill you.” I love you too, buddy.

#90shorrorthon Mahogany! Ebony! Teak! MAJOR CHUBBY! Damn it, I couldn’t hate this movie if I wanted to.

 

Stay tuned next time for another vampire film that is quite a different blood type!