Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #37: Barb Wire

Hey everyone! Welcome to the 37th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. Sorry for the lateness of this one. As you already know last month here on SuperMarcey.com I posted up poll with three bad movies and I said that whichever one out of those three films had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. For this installment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… BARB WIRE! Is this really one of the worst comic book films of all time? Was a good for Pamela Anderson to be the lead of her own action film? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

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Bede @BedeJermyn

I know I’ve said this many times in the past, but is too late for me to *not* watch this film again?

The film is set in the dystopian world of… 2017? I suppose there’s a possibly that will happen if Donald Trump is elected as the U.S. President 

Steel Harbour sounds like the name of a hair metal band from the ’80s would have.

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You when the second the film is dated? Seeing Pamela Anderson being credited as “Pamela Anderson Lee”

Ladies and gentleman, the one reason why everyone came to see this film in the first place: seeing Pam play a stripper. 

When I think of this film, I only think of two really big things. Yep, that’s right: Temuera Morrison and Udo Kier. Oh, yeah!

Enjoy this stripping scene while its lasts, everyone. It’s the only time that you see Pam naked in the whole film.

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Booooooooobbbbbbbssssssssssss.

Poor Dark Horse Comics. They hard a pretty bad run in the ’90s with Hollywood’s big screen adaptions of their comics.

Geez, that’s a pretty big hair brush sticking out of that woman’s hair.

Barb’s boss kind of looks like a cross between Chazz Palminteri and Peter Lorre.

Well, what Barb did to her boss definitely gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘smoking kills’.

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“Have you ever seen BATMAN?” Oh, please filmmakers. Don’t make a reference to a good comic book film in your crappy one.

Ahh, Pam. Why are you narrating to us everything that has happened in 2017 when another narrator already did that earlier in the film?

I like how Pam basically puts on a Batman voice through out this whole film.

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Well… These scene with Steve Railsback is just… Bizarre.

Steve Railsback: the low-budget Ed Harris.

Oh, yeah! Termuera Morrison! He’s the best thing about this film.

Fun fact: I met and got a picture taken with Temuera Morrison a few years back at a convention. He was a pretty cool guy.

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You know for a film that’s suppose to be set in 2017, everyone is still dressed up as if it was still the ’90s.

I think it’s scientifically proven that if Udo Kier shows up in a film, he make it a little bit more watchable.

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I think that it was written in Pam’s contract that if she was going to appear in a film, her boobs have to be seen in every scene

Geez, that dude has a lot, and I mean A LOT, of porn magazines.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally discovered the true identity of the Gimp from PULP FICTION: it’s this weird guy!

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I don’t know why one of the bad guys in this gun battle with Barb is dressed like a ’50s private eye. I just don’t know.

You know Barb, I’m pretty sure they’re a lot more worse things to be called in the world than ‘babe’.

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Oh, geez. Clint Howard has shown up. Clearly his brother Ron wasn’t directing anything at the time this film was being made.

Cleavage, cleavage, cleavage.

Lots and lots of cleavage… I’m sorry but it’s a bit hard not too notice.

I swear Barb’s bar is the exact same one as Kano’s in MORTAL KOMBAT.

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I have to say that Xander Berkeley has a pretty epic handle bar moustache in this film.

I think it’s pretty clear in this scene that Barb’s dog Camille definitely went to the Ramsay Bolton School of Dog Training

Why does Steve Railsback look like he dressed up as M. Bison from STREET FIGHTER in this scene? It’s weird

Speaking of which why is it that every dystopian set story, all the bad guys dress up Nazi-inspired uniforms? It’s not very subtle at all.

“Very interesting woman” “With most impressive assets” Hmmm… I wonder reference Xander was making with that line?

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Temuera Morrisson: bad arse mofo.

“Who are we meeting?” “Somebody I use to know” Cue Goyte! 

You know another reason why you can tell this film was made in the ’90s? Jack Noseworthy is in the cast.

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Oh, and another reason why you can tell this film was made in the ’90s as well? Seattle is mentioned. A lot.

Booooooooobbbbbbbssssssssssss.

It’s pretty clear to me that the leader of resistance fighter group based her appearance on Jared Leto’s take on the Joker.

Again with the Nazi-inspired imaginary. Clearly this film isn’t being subtle about it.

I have to admit every time Jack Noseworthy is onscreen, I always expect the Bon Jovi song “Always” to play in the background.

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Yeah, I can’t really buy Pam as soldier in this flashback scene. I really don’t at all.

You know it’s really shocking to me that some cast members from this film would go on the appear in Uwe Boll films *Shudders*

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Wait, a minute. This film’s plot is about a former freedom fighter-turned-bar owner who’s former lover comes back to ask for their help…

… To get him and his wife escape to another country so that they can get away from a fascist group?

Oh, my God. No. No. No, you didn’t movie. You. Did. Not!!! This is the exact same plot as the classic film CASABLANCA!!!

I can’t believe the filmmakers behind this crappy film had the balls to rip off the plot to one of the greatest and most beloved films of all time. Seriously, wow.

I like that despite having a bubble bath, Barb still has a lot of thick make up on.

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You know for someone who just caught her husband kissing Barb, Axel’s wife Cora isn’t upset by it at all.

Oh, okay. So Axel and Cora’s marriage is an cover. That makes sense.

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Seriously, Steve Railsback is wearing the exact same uniform as M. Bison. Except that it’s all black.

So just because the retina scanner is broken, you’re just going to let Axel & Cora walk out without using backup scanner, Railsback? Dumb arse.

So the King of the Underworld is named Big Fatso and he gets carried around by a bulldozer? I don’t know how to react to this.

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Oh, no. Barb’s blind brother Charlie just got caught in Railsback’s trap! I guess didn’t see that one coming.

Geez, Railsback is really torturing the crap out of Jack Noseworthy by electrocuting him. He would have been dead after that dose of it. 

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I think Udo Kier’s character would be even more awesome if he was playing the same role that he played in MELANCHOLIA.

Nooooo!!! They killed Charlie! He only had one day left until retirement dammit!

Okay, Barb is pissed. Now she’s about to bring out the big guns… No, I’m not talking about her boobs.

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Geez, Barb’s got enough weapons to take out an entire country on her own. I bet John Matrix from COMMANDO was her mentor back in the day.

What?! Big Fatso betrayed Barb, Axel & Cora to the bad guys?! Wow. I did not see that coming. Yawn.

Yep, if there is one thing that CASABLANCA didn’t have but this one most definitely provides, is more shootouts and explosions

That guy that Barb just shot off the roof didn’t just fell, he was doing acrobatic tricks on the way down. Impressive.

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Uh, oh. Railsback has gone into complete crazy person mode now.

Geez, Axel. You didn’t have to punch out that construction worker. I’m sure if you asked nicely he would have let use that crane.

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But then again, maybe Axel punched ’cause he didn’t cook him some f***ing eggs like he asked him.

I have to say that this fight sequence between Pam and Railsback is actually pretty decent.

See Railsback. If you didn’t call Barb ‘Babe’, she probably wouldn’t have killed you. Dumb arse.

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Ahh… When did it start getting all dark and stormy all of a sudden? There was a lot of sunshine literally 5 seconds ago.

If you really want to know how much this film rips off CASABLANCA, just watch this final scene at the airport.

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You know what? If Pam Anderson and Dolly Parton ever team up for a film, I think their combined boobage would be too much for the screen to take. 

Well, that’s the end of the film. Despite all the action and boobs, I think I’ll just stick with CASABLANCA instead thanks.

In all seriousness, I’m really surprised that this film wasn’t retitled BOOB WIRE during production. #BarbWire

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this 37th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out in July for my 38th edition, which I could be doing on one of the following three bad films: THE AVENGERS (1998), BASIC INSTINCT 2 and CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon!

– Bede Jermyn

 

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