Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #71: Bolero

Hey, everyone! Welcome to the 70th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. As you already know last month here on SuperMarcey.com, I said that this edition was going to be a special The Cannon Group themed one for this month. I posted up poll with three bad films that were produced by the Cannon Group and I said that whichever one out of those three had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken.  For this special Cannon Group themed 71st instalment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet a film I consider to be the absolute worst film of all time… BOLERO! Who gave the money to star Bo Derek and her husband/director John Derek to pretty much a trashy soft-core porno? Will I hate this film even more than I did the first time I saw it? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

Bede @BedeJermyn

I’ve said this many times before and I’ll say it again: is it too late for me to *not* watch this film? #Bolero

Also to everyone voted for this film and making me watch it again for a second time, I hate you all so… so… so much right now lol. #Bolero

Of course The Cannon Group would produce this film. Seriously, why wouldn’t they? It all makes perfect sense. #Bolero

I’m not sure why opening the film with scenes from silent films but okay. #Bolero

I’m not even 3 minutes into this film and nobody is acting like a human being at the moment. #Bolero

Those two twins have some of the most over-the-top cockney accents I’ve ever heard. #Bolero

Ummm… George Kennedy… You’re an Oscar winner. Why are you here? #Bolero

Ahhh… Why is Bo Derek running around the school naked after she graduated? There’s no real reason for any of this. #Bolero

“It’s amazing how much you’ve changed… Since the last time I saw without your clothes.” Ahhh… George, that’s creepy… #Bolero

What the hell is Bo Derek now wearing on her head? It looks exactly like the exact same head-piece that Jesse Ventura wore at the start of NO HOLDS BARRED. #Bolero

Where are Bo and George? First they we’re at some posh school and now they are somewhere in the Middle East. #Bolero

So the whole plot of this film is that Bo Derek wants to find a man so she can give away her virginity? Okay… #Bolero

I don’t know about anyone else, this Sheikh is probably the whitest Sheikh that I have ever seen. #Bolero

This Sheikh is so white that I’m surprised that Scarlet Johannson didn’t end up being cast in the role instead. #Bolero

Wait, hold the phone! The young woman who George is with is his wife?! Good lord. #Bolero

So… Much… Cultural… Insensitivity… #Bolero

Ummm… Why are silent film title cards being used in this scene instead of actual dialogue? #Bolero

Ewwww… The Sheik is sprinkling honey all over Bo’s body. This isn’t sexy or erotic at all! It’s just creepy! #Bolero

Don’t ask why, but Bo’s friend’s line delivery of “lying!” was amazing for all the wrong reasons. #Bolero

So the Sheikh just fell asleep before in the middle of their foreplay? Shameful, dude. Shameful. #Bolero

So… Now we’re in Spain? Okay… this film goes to more places around the world than a James Bond 007 or Marvel film. #Bolero

Of course the next guy that Bo is trying to give her virginity to would be a bullfighter. Makes total sense. #Bolero

Now I don’t want to make assumptions or anything but based on everything that I’ve seen from this film, Bo’s husband the director John Derek is a pretty terrible filmmaker. #Bolero

I don’t know what’s up with Bo’s pearl covered tiara that’s she wearing, but it looks like it’s choking her. #Bolero

Is it just me or does the bull frighten look a little bit like Chris Messina? #Bolero

Hey, John Derek! Tom Hooper called and he wants his extreme close-up shots of faces back! #Bolero

Uh, oh. That bullfighter is out bonking some other woman. Bo isn’t going to be happy about this. #Bolero

Ummm… I’m very uncomfortable with the fact that the young teenage girl who Bo is hanging out with plans on being the bullfighter’s *next woman*. Ewww… Vomit! #Bolero

Ummm… The creep factor alert on this film has risen to the 100% mark just based on the scene I’m watching right now. John Derek should seriously be in jail for this! #Bolero

You know for a film that’s about a woman trying to get rid of her virginity… This film is agonizingly boring AF! #Bolero

Oh, geez. Bo is wearing another bizarre headpiece again. This is like the third one she’s had so far. #Bolero

I don’t know why Bo and her friend are getting high on opium but I can imagine it be a lot more fun than watching this film. #Bolero

Actually I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone was actually taking opium while they were making this film. It would explain EVERYTHING. #Bolero

Oh, for crying out loud. SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY!!! #Bolero

So… Bo is still pursuing the Bullfighter even though he already seeing someone else anyway? Sigh… #Bolero

I know that Bo has a quote unquote ‘reason’ to give away her virginity but when you think about it, it doesn’t make a lick of sense. #Bolero

Hey, I didn’t know that Casey Affleck’s ghost form from A GHOST STORY was in this film. #Bolero

Oh, Pete’s sake. Just having bloody sex already so this film can be done with! It’s not that hard to give away your virginity. #Bolero

I honestly think that this film would be a 100 times better if Tommy Wiseau was playing the Bullfighter instead. #Bolero

Ewww… Close ups on their pelvic regions! #Bolero

This has to be the most unsexy sex scene I have ever seen in a film. #Bolero

So… Bo Derek’s husband directed this film, right? Figures. #Bolero

Please stop! This has gone from the point of being very uncomfortable to being extremely uncomfortable! #Bolero

So Bo Derek has finally given away her virginity. Now the film has finally en-wait, minute… there’s still over 30 minutes of the film left to go?!! #Bolero

I think the film’s hat/headpiece budget must have been in the millions based on every single one that Bo Derek wears in every scene. #Bolero

So the Bullfighter just got horned in the dick by a bull? Good. He deserved it too. #Bolero

Damn! Bo’s odd looking corset pants are making her waist very, very tiny. #Bolero

So this guy is Scottish and to show that he is, he’s wearing a kilt. There’s no stereotype that this film will not touch. #Bolero

Oh. I forgot George Kennedy was in this film. He’s been off-screen so much that I seriously forgot he was in this. #Bolero

Wait, hold the phone?! The Sheikh’s men have come to kidnapped Bo? What the hell is going on right now?! #Bolero

I don’t know why the Sheikh wanted fly his plane off from the beach but honestly I don’t care anymore. #Bolero

Wait, Bo decides to escape the Sheikh by literally jumping out of his plans without a parachute but instead showing us this, the director cuts back to her house? This is bull crap! #Bolero

I don’t know what’s going on right now, all I know is that the Scottish guy’s butt is taking all of the screen. #Bolero

Umm… Why is Bo Derek is riding around without a clothes on… While riding a horse? There’s something very unsettling about that. #Bolero

The Bullfighter is teaching Bo how to bullfight?! Monsters! Monsters all of them! #Bolero

I don’t know about anyone else, this is one of those films that should have easily have ended 90 minutes ago. #Bolero

Clint Eastwood?! Oh, no. It’s Bo Derek in a cowboy hate. My mistake. #Bolero

“That’s not how we did it last time! I was a little girl then!” Little girl! That happened a few weeks ago and you were 23! #Bolero

Awww… Bo and the Bullfighter are able to have sex again… That’s good, I guess, It’s ewww. #Bolero

Ahhh… What’s going on? Are they having sex in heaven?! #Bolero

Again this film continues to be the unsexiest film ever made. #Bolero

Ummm… Why was there a random neon sigh that just came out of nowhere in the sky that said ‘ecstasy’? #Bolero

Ummm… Can sex scene please stop right now? It’s gone way longer than it needed to be. #Bolero

So after all that, Bo and the Bullfighter finally get married? Who cares. #Bolero

Well, that’s end of the film. Seriously I have seen so many terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE films over my life, but none of the them have come quite close to this abomination. This is without a doubt the absolute worst film I have EVER seen. #Bolero

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this 59th edition of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out in May for my 71st edition, which be a very special 72nd edition of the article. Why’s that you ask? Because the next edition will mark the 6th anniversary of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon column. I thought that to celebrate this special occasion instead of asking you readers to pick which bad film I should watch and live-tweet, I would pick the film myself. So which bad film have I chosen for the 72nd/6th anniversary edition of the article? I’m going to be doing it on a very obscure 1985 horror/comedy that, in my opinion, is one of the most absolutely insane films I have ever seen: HARD ROCK ZOMBIES! Keep a look out for it here on SuperMarcey.com in late May!

Article written by Bede Jermyn

 

 

 

 

 

 

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