Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #52: Planet Of The Apes (2001)

Hey everyone! Welcome to the 49th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. As you already know last month here on SuperMarcey.com, I posted up poll with three bad movies and I said that whichever one out of those three films had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. For this 51st instalment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… PLANET OF THE APES (2001)! Is this one of the most disappointing remakes of all time? Did anyone really that Mark Wahlberg could dethrone Charlton Heston’s legendary performance in the original 1968 film? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

Bede @BedeJermyn

I know I’ve said this a million times before but I’m going to say it again, is it too late for me to *not* watch this film?

Ahh, the remake of PLANET OF THE APES: the film that singled the downfall of director Tim Burton for most film fans.

Yeah, when I think of actors who would be a good replacement for Charlton Heston in a APES remake, Mark Wahlberg is first one I think of.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Wahlberg as much as the next person. He’s just no Heston though.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I really dig the score that Danny Elfman did for this film.

Space… The final frontier… Woops! Sorry, wrong sci-fi series.

Marky Mark looks so boyish in the film. He looks about at least 5 years old.

Hey! There’s the boss from the Nerd Herd in CHUCK!

*Sigh*… I miss model space ships and stations in films.

You would think for people being on a space station, some of the crew would know the difference between an ape and a monkey

Star Trek: Deep Space Primate… Okay, that pun was awful. I apologise for that.

I guess that chimp won’t have to worry about the… Primate directive. Okay, I promise I’ll stop with the puns now.

Man, Andy Serkis’ mocap performance as Mark Wahlberg is absolutely astonishing. It might be his best work yet as an actor.

“Never send a monkey to do a man’s job” So… Why are you going than, Mark?

Don’t worry, guys. If Wahlberg can survive THE HAPPENING, he’ll survive this crash landing.

Kris Kristofferson or a wild unkempt Nick Nolte? I’ll let you decide that one.

I like how the Apes just grab people and just throw them into sacks. It’s hilarious!

Funny enough the humans aren’t actually running away from the apes, they’re running away ’cause saw a screening of this film 

An Ape just did a variation of  the original film’s most famous quotes. This film is going to be full of these callbacks, isn’t it?

Oh, yeah! Tim Roth has arrived! His villainous character Thade is the best part of this whole film.

Nice to see that they still have basketball in this ape society.

Is it just me or does Helena Bonham Carter’s ape make up makes her look more like Michael Jackson than an ape?

Ahhh… Did Paul Giamatti just orgasm?! He looked like he did.

You know for someone who’s suppose to be a dirty wild human, Estella Warren is done up to look like a supermodel.

Remember when Estella Warren was a thing back in the early ‘00s? Yeah, me neither.

That awkward moment when Burton’s ex-girlfriend and his next girlfriend share the same scene together.

Even though this film isn’t good at all, Rick Baker’s make up work here is pretty fantastic.

You know someone who wants humans to be free, I think it’s a bit hypocritical that Ari owns some as well.

Tim Roth is enjoying this role way too much.

I like how every time the Apes just jump around, it looks like they’re flying.

“Were you sure you weren’t dreaming this?” Umm, I’m pretty sure they weren’t due to the fact there’s a big crash site right here

“You smell that?” Yep, that’s the stench of this film.

Wait a minute, were those Apes getting high?

Ahhh… Were those two apes about to have sex?! This is disturbing!

Why do all these wild humans have perfect hair? This doesn’t make any sense.

*Sigh*… I miss Michael Clarke Duncan.

“Hi, I’m Marky Mark and I talk to the apes. Say hi to you’re mother for me.”

“Apes are afraid of water. We’ll drown” “That’s why we pray for rain” I gotta admit, that line was pretty funny.

So… Mark turned down OCEAN’S ELEVEN so he could star in this film instead? Yeah…

Okay, I gotta admit this too. After Tim Roth, Paul Giamatti is the second best part of this film.

I don’t know about anyone else, it still shocks me to this day that the make up in this film didn’t get an Oscar nod.

Yep, it wouldn’t be a remake of PLANET OF THE APES if original star Charlton Heston didn’t have a cameo in it.

“We were the slaves, humans were the masters” “Impossible” “It’s true! He saw it in RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES!”

Okay, we got one more callback to another famous quote from the original film. I hope that’s it for now.

That’s interesting. Caesar doesn’t get a mention at all in this film. 

Ahhh… Where did Mark get that flare gun from?!

Wait, did they just CGI Michael Duncan’s month when he roared?!

Okay, Thade. You can stop spazzing out now, man.

Oh, no! The ship that Mark was looking had crashed landed in the planet thousands of years ago. What a shock. Not.

Ahhhh… How did all those wild humans know exactly where to find Mark and the others?

Wow… The actor who plays Estella’s younger brother has finally said his first line throughout this entire film.

Yeah… Thade is starting to creep me out big time.

You know what my onenof my biggest problems with this film is among other films? It doesn’t *feel* like a Tim Burton film.

Oh, geez. Estelle’s young brother is going one of those type of annoying characters, isn’t he?

Yep, just as I figured. The young brother is totally useless.

Damn! Those apes got blown the hell away. They’re now… Wait for it… Damn crispy apes… I’m sorry. I’ll leave now.

I don’t know why the apes would need horses if they can run faster than they do.

I like how when the apes punch people, they literally send them flying into the air.

Well, that was a pretty one sided fight between Krull and Attar. Kind of anticlimactic really.

Well, a space pod that has that chimp has saved the day. I guess you can say it’s a dues ex maCHIMPa. Okay, I’ll stop now.

Excuse me! But there is only true ape god and his name is Caesar thank you very much.

They’re not monkeys, they’re apes, Mark. How many times do I have to tell you over and over. Grrrr.

Ah, yeah, Thade. That’s not how you hold a gun properly.

I swear the way that Tim Roth plays Thade feels like he would be better suited in horror film than an APES film.

Yep! You know the bad guy is defeated when he hides scared under a table.

Ahhh… Attar. Why you mourning Krull? You brutally murdered him with your own two hands, remember?

Mark just kissed Ari! Ewwww!!!Bestiality!!!!!

It’s amazing that after that pretty epic battle, Estella Warren still looks like a supermodel.

Mark just made out with both an ape and a human. Who does he think he is? Captain Kirk?

Yeah… Mark I have a feeling that you should stay away from space clouds that can do time travel.

Here we are, everyone. We’ve come to the part that to this day still doesn’t make any sense whatsoever: the ending.

There’s no doubt that this one of the dumbest twist endings of all time. It really doesn’t make any sense.

Seriously if you can’t beat the original’s legendary twist ending, don’t even try. It ain’t going to work.

Well, that’s the end of the film. If you want to see a good reboot of the series, just watch RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES.

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this 52nd edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out in late October for my special Halloween themed 53rd edition, which could one of the following three bad horror films: BOO! A MADEA HALLOWEEN, DREAMCATCHER and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 2: FREDDY’S REVENGE. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon!

– Bede Jermyn

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