Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #44: Warcraft

Hey everyone! Welcome to my 44th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series and I’m sorry that I didn’t post this online much sooner. The pass few weeks have been pretty busy for me. Anyways it’s 2017 and that means I have another year of even more bad movies to watch. Back in January here on SuperMarcey.com, I said I was going to do a special Bad Films Of 2016 in honour of all the crap that was released in cinemas during 2016. I posted up poll with three bad 2016 movies on it and I said that whichever one out of those three had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. It was absolutely landslide for one film in particular! For this instalment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… WARCRAFT! Is this story-wise the most confusing video-game-to-film adaptation of all time? Seriously, does anything make any sense? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

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Bede @BedeJermyn

I know I’ve said this many times before but I’ll say it again: is too late for me to *not* watch this film?

I should state right off the bat that I have never played any of the WORLD OF WARCRAFT games. So that’s going to tell you a lot about how viewing this film.

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“There has been a war between orcs and humans as long as can be remembered” As far back as the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy I gathered.

Toby Kebbell: the new Andy Serkis

Pretty much if you can’t get Andy Serkis to play a CGI motion capture in your film, you get Toby Kebbell instead. Not a knock against him. Toby is awesome. 

5 minutes into this film and I still have no idea what’s going on.

“The fuel of my magic is life” And having a million skulls placed all over your costume probably doesn’t hurt either.

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Why do I get the feeling that this film is going to feel like a big long cut-scene from the video game instead of a film?

Geez, Durotan. You know you’re not suppose to let female orcs go through dimensional portals when they’re 9 months pregnant.

Holy crap! Durotan’s wife just gave birth to a Na’vi!

OMG! Gul’dan killed Bambi’s mum! That bastard!

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I think must be checking out the wrong film ’cause I’m watching a scene from THE HOBBIT. Oh, wait… It’s still WARCRAFT. My mistake.

Spellchucker? That’s racist towards wizards!

don’t know how they were able to take an hour’s worth of story and fit it in the first 15 minutes but somehow they did.

This film is basically a greatest hits compilation of every fantasy film that has ever existed, isn’t it?

You know I never thought I’d ever hear the phase ‘chop chop’ is a fantasy film but here we are.

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I like how Ben Foster’s look in this film makes him look more like a rock-star than an all powerful wizard.

Any minute now the library ghost from GHOSTBUSTERS will come and scare the crap out of this young magician.

20 minutes into this film and as you can guess it, I still have no idea what’s going on.

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Seriously, I’m going to be confused by everything that’s happen in this film throughout it’s running time, aren’t I?

OMG! Animal cruelty! That orc just through horse at some soldiers! Somebody call PETA!

You know this film would have been a 100 times better if Ron Perlman had a role in here somewhere.

Oh, Paula Patton. Even as an orc, you’re still pretty hot.

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Nice to see the Direwolves get extra work elsewhere outside of the GAME OF THRONES TV series.

Some of these orcs kind of look what I imagine most Trump supporters look like. OOHHH, SNAP!

Poor Dominic Cooper. He looks so bored here.

All the orcs keep talking about something called the ‘Fel’ but it’s never explained what it is. Just like this whole film in fact.

You know this film would have been great if THE LORD OF THE RINGS, THE HOBBIT and every other fantasy film hadn’t been made.

Why does Lothar’s gun look like it’s made out of plastic?

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It’s pretty amazing to me that the orc subplot is actually pretty coherent when compared the human subplot, which is convoluted as f**k.

I will say this though, the CGI of the orcs are really well done and almost AVATAR life-like.

“He wants to lie with me. He’d be injured” So you’re saying that… Orcs like rough sex?!

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This camp fire scene is only here just so that we have the main characters talk about their back stories, right?

Seriously, how didn’t the humans not notice Durotan spying on them from the bushes near them? It’s a bit hard not to notice him.

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Seriously, why didn’t Peter Jackson sue for some of the designs for the dwarves? The head dwarf looks exactly like Gimli its crazy

How is it possible that the CGI characters give more livelier performances than any of the human characters in this film?

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‘What is this?’ Funny that’s the same thing that Ben Foster said after reading the script.

Geez, the Guardian really like it that this young magician Khadgar is helping out. He’s literally chucking a tantrum about it.

Wait, Lothar has a grown up son?! They look more like brothers than father & son!

Wow. The lack of enthusiasm that Dominic Cooper gives with his performance is amazing.

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I like how most of the dialogue in this film is mainly grunts.

Wait, did the Guardian just say, ‘Focus, man’?! Yeah, Ben Foster is bringing too many modern touches to this role.

Yeah, the Guardian is like the most useless wizard of all time.

No!!! They killed Lothar’s son! A character who we barely got to know! Nooo!!!

So… When the Guardian runs out of power, he can get it back just by jumping into a magical pool? ‘Kay.

One of the orcs has T-Rex skulls for shoulder pads in his battle armour. That’s kind of awesome.

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Why is that every time someone pronounces Garona’s name, it sounds like they are saying Carona instead.

Yeah, I swear that Gul’dan might be an addict or something ’cause he keeps taking that human’s essence everything 5 seconds

Over an hour into this film and I STILL have no idea what’s going on.

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Ahh… Where on earth is Khadgar now?

Holy crap! I didn’t notice that Toby Kebbell played an non-orc character in this film too. To be fair, he is under lot of makeup.

I like how the character in this film are confused about everything that’s going on as I am.

Well, hello there Glenn Close! Your out-of-nowhere cameo isn’t distracting at all.

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I honestly believe that Ben Foster’s character isn’t losing his powers, he’s just falling asleep’ cause of how bored he is.

It’s amazing that the King has a pretty detailed and elaborate model set for organising his battle plans with.

Yeah, it’s pretty much a given that Toby Kebbell is the only legitimately good part of this mess.

Yep, the film is about 80% over and still have so idea what’s going on.

No, not Durotan’s wife! We still needed to develop her character more!

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I don’t know why Durotan is wearing wolf skin as a hood. I just don’t know.

Wow! I thought Gul’dan was a feeble old orc but dddaammmnnn…. He’s a bloody muscle-bound beefcake under his clothes.

Holy crap! The Guardian’s demon form looks like one of the members of the band the metal band Lordi

Wwwhhhaaattt!!! Gul’dan just killed Durotan is their fight! That’s some PSYCHO level shocking death crap right there!

Although I should have expected it since Durotan didn’t really put much of an effort in that fight. What a wuss.

Now the Guardian has brought a Golem to life to defeat our heroes. Yeah, this film is just making things up as goes along.

It’s good thing that those orcs who were still stuck in their old world were battle ready when Gul’dan let them in through the portal.

Okay, I think I’ve finally figured out what the plot to this film is… Ah, nope. I’m confused again.

Whoa! The Guardian has literally become Mega-Guardian with his new demon form.

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Holy crap! Gul’dan just through a cage full of people off the side of a cliff! What an arsehole!

Even in defeat, Ben Foster is still lying around and barely even acting.

I swear Dominic Cooper is wearing the exact same battle armour as he did in DRACULA UNTOLD.

Surprisingly the Ben Foster’s character isn’t really dead. He’s just taking a nap over how bored he is of the film.

Wait, the King wants Garona to kill him so she can bring peace between the orcs and humans? THAT IS THE STUPIDEST PLAN EVER!!!

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Yeah, King. This idiotic plan isn’t going to backfire at all. Dumb arse!

Crowd surfing with Garona!

Ahh, Lothar. I know that you came to the rescue but you’re a little bit too late I’m afraid.

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Is it just me or does Blackhand look like the evil troll from ERNEST SCARED STUPID?

Holy crap! Lothar’s just stabbed Balckhand in the crouch! That’s gotta hurt big time!

Well, Garona completely failed her mission. Her killing the King was supposed to bring peace but nope! The war will continue!

I swear the film is not only confusing, it’s full of dumb arses too.

Maybe this plan with the King’s death help bring peace would have work if, I don’t know, he told Lothar about it too!

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: the WARCRAFT edition

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So from what I gather, Lothar’s son will grow up to the main character in the games? Okay.

You know for a film that’s suppose to be a prequel to the WoW video games, it didn’t really tell that much as a non-fan.

Well, that’s the end of the film. Sorry Duncan Jones but you made of the most boring and confusing video game films ever made.

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this 44th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out later in February for my 45th edition, which I could be doing on one of the following three bad films: BREAKIN’ 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY and XANADU. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon!

– Bede Jermyn

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