Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #39: Catwoman

Hey everyone! Welcome to the 39th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. As you already know last month here on SuperMarcey.com I posted up poll with three bad movies and I said that whichever one out of those three films had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. It was an extremely close race but for this instalment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… CATWOMAN! Did the world really need a sequel to the ’90s erotic thriller BASIC INSTINCT 2? Was Sharon Stone only in this so she could stay relevant? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

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Bede @BedeJermyn

I know I’ve already said this many times before but I’m going to say it again, is it too late for to *not* watch this film?

Poor Halle Berry. Between this film, MOVIE 43 and DIE ANOTHER DAY, she’s become a veteran of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon column.

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Yes, when I think of Catwoman, this first thing I think of Egyptian history.

I think Benjamin Bratt was only cast in this film ’cause he’s last same name rhymes with cat.

Speaking of veterans of my column, it’s Sharon Stone. Between this film and BASIC INSTINCT 2 last month, I can’t get away from her

Geez, there’s a lot of pictures of pussies in this opening credits. Yes, I went for that joke early. I apologise. I’ll leave now.

All pictures of cat being composited into these old pictures are really bad.

I like how the last picture we see in the opening credits is basically the poster for the musical CATS.

Directed by Pitoff. Who we have never heard from again ’cause he… Pissed off… After this film.

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You know the first sigh when a film is not going to be good? When the director only has one name. Even Tarsem gave up doing that.

“It all started on the day that I died” Which funnily enough was the day Halle sighed onto this film.

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Oh, dear! Not badly put together CGI cities!

Yeah, I find it very hard to believe Halle to be a nerdy wallflower that no one would ever take notice.

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Patience Phillips?! PATIENCE PHILLIPS?! What kind of a name is that?! What was wrong with the original name Selina Kyle?! 

You know how you can tell this film has completely messed up and didn’t get the point of Catwoman? When they didn’t even bother you use the character’s real name in it. 

Hey Lambert Wilson. I see that you’re basically playing the same character as the one you played THE MATRIX sequels.

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Is it just me or does Sharon Stone’s face look really blurry in this film? It’s like they airbrushed her or something.

I like how everyone in this business meeting aren’t even attembing to laugh in a believable way at all.

“What is wrong with you?” That was everyone’s reaction when they heard Halle signed onto this film.

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I like how Lambert Wilson is basically saying everything that the audience is thinking when it comes to Halle’s look in this film.

You know how you know that this film was made in the mid-’00s? Hoobastank is in the soundtrack.

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Yeah, I’m pretty sure that the people at that party across from your apartment can hear you when your voice is that low, Halle.

Wait… Is Halle still wearing the same exact clothes as she did yesterday?

Yeah, I don’t think you need to go out on your window to save that cat, Halle. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

You know how you know a film about Catwoman doesn’t get the character? When the filmmakers decided not to call her Selina Kyle.

Geez, Benjamin Bratt got up those stairs pretty quickly to save Halle.

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I like how Bratt thinks Halle is a bit of an idiot for trying to go out and save a cat. He’s saying what we’re all thinking.

Ah, Halle. You dropped your wallet! I’m pretty sure you saw it do that too since you were looking down at the exact same spot where it fell to the ground.

I know that this scene is meant to make us be empathic to Sharon Stone’s character, but it’s so badly done that its doesn’t work.

Wait… Did they just reuse this establishing shot of Halle’s office from earlier again for this scene?!

Okay, Alex Borstein you can give up on the bad comic improv now.

Oh, Bratt’s smile. It reminds of David James Elliott’s one on JAG. It’s hilarious.

Man, CGI city shots just keep getting worse and worse as the film goes on.

Ahh, Halle. I’m pretty sure that you just committed breaking and entering.

Geez, Halle. You didn’t even bother to try and hide from those security guards.

You know Halle wandering around and being shot out of a sewage system must some kind of metaphor for being in this film.

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Oh, did God. Badly done CGI cats… The horror!

Ahh… How did Halle get all the way out onto that little island in the bay?

Wait… Halle was brought back from the dead by… Cat breath?! Oh, dear God. This movie!

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Oh, man. CGI Halle jumping around like a cat is the worst.

Uhh… Where did Halle get that paper from in that cat’s collar?

Wait… The cat’s owner lives on Elm Street? *Cue the NIGHTMARE IN ELM STREET theme*

From the look of things, it looks like France’s Conroy lives in the house from UP. OMG this film set in the same universe!!! 😳 

Cats… Cats everywhere.

Halle just rubbed catnip all over her face… Okay. *Blinks*

Every time Halle starts showing off cat like behaviour, it’s like she’s acting like a crack addict.

Alex Borstein is going full blown 100% for this comedic best friend role isn’t she?

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Yeah, the wire work in this basketball scene between Halle and Bratt may be a much more cringeworthy than the one in DAREDEVIL.

Why did Bratt just lift up her shirt and exposed his stomach to Halle? What was the point of that?

Okay, Halle. Just because you’re playing a character called Catwoman, that doesn’t mean you have to act like a cat in every scene.

Halle’s longed haired neighbour kind of looks a bit like Gerard Butler.

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It’s amazing that Halle can create a perfect looking hairdo with two scissors all by herself.

So… Halle has a dress that’s for only *dating emergencies only*… Okay.

Halle just stole her neighbour’s motor bike. She’s suppose to be the hero, right?

Oh, dear God. You know this film was made in the early ’00s ’cause it’s shot/edited extremely fast and all over the place.

Wait… Did that glass shatter before the robber even touched it?

Amateur? Why did Halle call the robbers that? They have more experience than she does since she’s never robbed anything before.

Oh, man. Halle just did her first cat related pun. That means there’s going to be more of them soon!

You know for someone who has never been in a fight before, Halle seems to be an expert of it.

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Finally! We actually have something that’s actually true to the character! She’s stolen some stuff!

Geez, Halle is typing some of the stupidest things in that search engine.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure this backstory of Catwoman being linked to Egyptian gods was definitely not in the comic.

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Yeah, I’m sorry. Catwoman was called that ’cause she was a cat burglar, not because she had the powers of a cat.

This film is so bloody stupid.

50 minutes in Halle has finally put on her Catwoman costume. It is the single handedly the worst superhero costume of all time.

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My God it’s absolutely terrible! It look like it belongs more in a hardcore S&M club than a comic book film.

Oh, man. These scenes of CGI Halle just get worse and worse as the film goes on. They don’t even try to make her look human.

There’s a lot of fish eye angle lens shots in this film. As matter of fact, I think the whole film was shot this way.

I like how nobody in this night club is bats an eye lid that Halle is dressed up like a cat.

Yeah, if this scene was set in reality, Halle would have been throw out by security for using that whip in the club.

Oh, man. Not another cat pun.

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See Halle. If you didn’t wear that awful costume, that guard wouldn’t have thought you killed that scientist.

Oh, come on! A blind person could tell that the writing on the coffee cup and that bag of jewels were written by the same person! 

Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s not scientifically possible to tell someone’s personality based their hand writing.

What is up with the score to this film?

Ah, Bratt. I think you were making things with that ferris wheel much worse than they were before.

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This scene between Halle and Sharon is like an epic battle to see who can camp it up the worst in it.

Ahh… What bizarro opera show are Lambert Wilson and his mistress watching?

“This is a waste of time” Lambert’s mistress is saying what we’re all thinking while watching this film so far.

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Geez, Catwoman. You had a good opportunity to escape but instead, you decided to stay around and mess with your boyfriend. Dumb arse. 

“This is a disaster! A total bloody disaster!” Funny that’s the studio’s reaction after watching this film

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You know what? Sharon Stone could have easily have played Catwoman back in the day.

Wow. Sharon has finally lived up to her last name by actually having a face made of stone. Oh snap!

See Halle. If you didn’t cut up your dating emergency dress into your awful costume, you would’ve have had a dress for your date.

Geez, Halle. We know that you have the abilities of a cat, but you don’t have to behave like one in public. So stop it now!

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Hey Bratt! You know that Halle is Catwoman, so why haven’t you arrested her already?!

Yep, it’s official. Halle isn’t a human anymore. She’s now a cat. For real. Oh, dear God. *Rolls eyes*

Why do people write notes entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS in films? Wouldn’t it be easier and quicker to write in normally?

I like how the villain’s evil plan is literally making evil face cream.

Man, the police got to Sharon Stone’s place pretty quickly when she rang the alarm.

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Is Halle now wearing the same jump suit as Bruce Lee in GAME OF DEATH and the Bride in KILL BILL in this scene? It looks like it.

I don’t know why Halle can’t use her Catwoman abilities to get out of jail. That’s how the TRUE Catwoman Selina Kyle would do it

Yeah, Halle. I’m sorry but no. You may have the abilities of a cat, but it wouldn’t possible for you to get through those bars.

For crying out loud! Can stop with the CGI Halle please! It’s an absolutely awful special effect!

Is just me or is Halle’s Catwoman mask looks like it’s 10 times bigger than her body.

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I’m trying to figure out if Bratt is the smartest or dumbest cop ever? Hmmm… I think it’s the latter.

Ahhh… Catwoman. You know that guy you just threw head first into that wall? I think he might be dead.

Well, this is the most awkward and pointless use of song in a fight scene ever.

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Well, it’s a good thing that Sharon’s body is invincible ’cause she’s not doing well in this fight scene at all.

Catwoman, I know that you wanted to save Sharon from falling, but you could have at least tried harder.

Well, I’m really happy that this subplot with Alex Borstein hooking up with her doctor finally has resolution.

You know I have to give this film credit. It ends with the Catwoman leaving her boyfriend rather than staying with him.

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Wait, did I jut say something positive about this film? *Shudders* I feel so dirty and unclean! I need to take a long cold shower now.

Of course the film had to end with more CGI Catwoman. Ugh.

Halle may killed Catwoman, so thank God Anne Hathaway came in and brought some respectability back to her in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

Well, that’s the end of the film. Seriously if you honesly think BATMAN V. SUPERMAN and SUICIDE SQUAD are bad DC films, cleary you haven’t seen this abomination

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this 39th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out later in next month in September for my 40th edition, which I could be doing on one of the following three bad films: SON OF THE MASK, STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER or UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon. Also a keep a look out for a very special one-off edition of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, which I’ll be watching and live-tweeting… SHARNADO 4: THE FOURTH AWAKENS!

– Bede Jermyn

 

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