Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #36 (3rd Anniversary Edition): Prometheus

Hey everyone! Welcome to the 36th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. If you remember from last month, I decided for this edition of the series that I wasn’t going to you guys decide which bad film I was going to watch. Why was that you ask? ‘Cause this month actually marked the 3rd anniversary of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon column. So I thought that to celebrate this special occasion, instead of asking you readers to pick which bad film I should watch and live-tweet, I would instead pick the film myself. So which bad film have I chosen for the 36th/3rd anniversary edition of the article? I’m going to be doing it on the highly anticipated but ultimately very disappointing prequel to the ALIEN series: PROMETHEUS. Is this one of the dumbest blockbusters of all time? Does it actually make ALIEN: RESURRECTION look not so bad by comparison? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

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Bede @BedeJermyn

I know I’ve said this many times before and I’ll say it again: is it too late for me *not* to watch this film?

I have to say that despite many, many, MANY problems, it is still a pretty visually stunning film. I can’t flair it for that.

If this is co-written by Damn Lindelof, the means that the film will ask a lot of questions and give us no answers as all.

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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but there is giant frisbee floating above that waterfall.

Is it just me or do the alien creatures the Engineers look kind of look like Mark Strong? ‘Cause seriously they do!

Ahh… Yeah… I don’t think it was a good idea to drink that goo, Mr. Engineer.

The way that the Engineer convulses and fall Sparta is exactly I felt after I watched this film for the first time.

So… The film is making the statement that the creation of all mankind came from… That Engineer?

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Hey! It’s the original and best Lisbeth Salander herself Noomi Rapace and Tom Hardy’s clone Logan Marshall-Green.

Ahh, Noomi. Are sure those cave paintings are an invitation from the Engineers? I think you need to be a bit sure first

Oh, hi Michael Fassbender! You know when someone is a great actor when they give better performance than the film deserves

Ahh… Why is Fassbender looking into Noomi’s dreams? There’s something very creepy about that.

Ladies and gentleman, Patrick Wilson starring in the most pointless role as Noomi’s Dad in a dream sequence. So pointless.

These scenes of Fassbender hanging around and doing stuff on the ship is the only time that this film ever feels like ALIEN.

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You know what the worst sin that a bad film can do? Having a character watch an actual great film in it like David is doing now

Geez, David must be really bored on the ship if he actually dyes his hair to look like Peter O’Toole’s in LAWRENCE OF ARABIA.

I don’t know why Charlize Theron is sweating massively a lot while doing push-ups and wearing clothes. I just don’t know.

You know what’s funny? Despite this being set a prequel to ALIEN, all the technology in this film is way more advanced than one

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I find it very hard to believe that Charlize Theron’s character Vickers doesn’t know what a Christmas Tree is.

Guy Pearce?! Oh, my God. What did you do to you?! You’re make up is terrible!

Did thy model Guy Pearce’s make up on Mr. Burns from THE SIMPSONS? ‘Cause that who he looks like!

Oh, geez. Mr. Weyland. You didn’t have to rub salt into the wound that David isn’t a human.

I like that there is a hologram machine that looks like a Rubik’s Cube.

Wait, the planet is called LV-223 and not LV-426? That means that is not the same planet from ALIEN! WTF, movie!!!

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I don’t get it. Why would anyone sign up to a mission if they didn’t know what the mission even was? It doesn’t make sense!

So the only proof that Shaw has that the Engineers created us, is that she believe they did? That’s a bit of a leap but okay.

Why would Vickers have a piano in her quarters on the ship? I’m pretty damn sure that she didn’t need it for this trip.

Geez, Holloway is such a jerk to David. He must be a robocist.

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Seriously what is the point of making a prequel to ALIEN when you’re not even setting it on the same bloody planet as that one!

Yep, it wouldn’t be a film in the ALIEN series if someone wasn’t carrying around a flame thrower.

I don’t get why Holloway is such a jerk to David. It’s not like David has done anything bad to him during this film so far.

“I can’t tell if you it’s natural or not, but I can tell you… It’s hollow” Just like the script

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Huh, huh. Mapping balls.

Oh, Holloway. Even if you find out if that structure has breathable air, it’s probably a good idea to leave your helmet on dummy

Idris Elba. The smoothest space ship captain in the galaxy.

Geez, Fifield & Millburn are pussies. You’re both about to discover one of the greatest finds in history and you run off scared

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Oh, for crying out loud, David! STOP! PRESSING! BUTTONS!

Well, since we haven’t seen an actual proper Xenomorph yet, that mural on the wall is close as we getting one in this film.

Clearly it’s just there to give a little pointless fan service to the ALIEN fans.

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Clearly this intense sequence with the storm was added in so something thrilling is happening. Well, it didn’t work.

How did Fifield & Millburn get lost in the structure?! It’s not they were that far from the entrance when they were exploring.

Plus didn’t Fifield have those map balls as well? So wouldn’t he have known how to get out anyway? Man, this is completely dumb

Yep, that’s right people. The head of the Space Jockey from ALIEN isn’t in fact it’s head, it was actually it’s helmet. *sigh*

You know for a film that has characters that are supposed to be smart scientists, every single one of them is an idiot.

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Geez, I wonder who David is talking to in that cyro tube? I hope there isn’t pointless twist coming up later in the film.

Don’t worry, Charlize. You’ll soon star in an actually good reboot of a classic sci-fi series in a few years after this one.

What?! The Engineers have Te same DNA as human?! *Gasps*… Who cares. Where are my Xenomorphs dammit?!

Hmmm, I wonder who David is going to experiment with that goo on? I hope it’s not going to be Dr. Jerk-face. I mean Holloway.

Man, Holloway is such whiner. He finds out that aliens are creation of the human race and all he can do is mope and complain.

I swear if Fifield & Millburn had their own film, it would definitely be DUMB & DUMBER.

Geez, Idris. Your scanners are detecting a life form in the structure and you’re not going to do anything about it? Jerk.

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Seriously, is everyone on this ship incompetent? ‘Cause it feels like they are.

Wait, Shaw can’t have a baby? Man, that bit of character information surely came out of nowhere, didn’t it?

It’s bizarre that Janek and Vickers are basically acting like teens in a ’80s slasher film in this scene

Speaking of ’80s slasher films, Fifield and Millburn are basically like strangers from one of those in this scene too.

So… Millburn is scared to go into a dark chamber but when it comes to that creature, he’s not frighted of it at all? Okay.

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That creature looks like a cross between a cobra and a penis. WHY WOULD YOU THINK IT’S FRIENDLY, MILLBURN?! Dumb arse!

That long creature just went Millburn’s month. There’s some creepy sexual imagery right there.

I don’t know about Holloway but if I saw some worm creature pop out of my eye, I would seriously be freaking the hell out.

Ahh… Did that mapping ball just yelped like a puppy? That’s really creepy.

David has found the Space Jockey chamber. That would be awesome and all if it was actually the same one from ALIEN. *Groan*

Once again, David is touching buttons that we all by now he shouldn’t be touching at all.

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You know I have to give the film credit, this scene with David looking at holograms in the chamber is actually a really great scene.

I know I should feel sorry that Holloway is infected with alien goo, but he’s such a jerk that’s quite I’d satisfying.

*Singing* This jerk is on fireeee! This jerk is on fireeeee!!

This is weird. David’s hair was all blonde but now he’s got white streaks in his hair. Where did that come from?

Wait, Shaw is pregnant?! With an alien baby?! Geez, that’s one really bad STD to get from your boyfriend. #Prometheus

Her father? Oh, right. Patrick Wilson played in that flashback. I almost forgot he was I this movie.

“I watched your dreams” David creepily sounds like Denny from THE ROOM when he said that line.

Now I know there’s a reason that the medical pod is designed for just males but still, what’s the point anyway?

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You know for someone who’s getting their stomach opened up and operated on, Shaw is taking this surprisingly well.

Well, I’ve seen a lot of things in films, but I’ve never seen someone basically five birth to a squid before.

Look out! It’s Fifield and he has come back as a zombie! This definitely the work of the White Walkers!

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You definitely know you’ve had a bad day when after you’ve turned into a zombie, you get shot, run over and then set on fire.

Wait, Mr. Wetland is alive?! And he’s on the ship?! *Yawn* Please everyone figured out that test was coming an hour ago.

I’m still trying to figure out the point of why they cast Guy Pearce as Weyland. Wasn’t there any actual older actors available?

I have to say, Idris Elba’s moustache is pretty epic.

Finally! Janek is actually acting like a smart captain for once.

Why do all those little statues in Weyland’s room look like BAFTA awards?

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Wait, Weyland is actually Vickers father? That is the most… Pointless and out-of-nowhere revelation in the history of cinema.

You know what’s even more funny? It’s brought up EVER again. This film drops more subplots than THE ROOM.

Man, I’ve a lot of dumb films in my time, but this film is one that you can actually feel how dumb it is as it goes along.

OMG that Engineer just ripped off David’s head! I guess he’ll never be the *head* of a major corporation haha… I’m so sorry.

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Yeah, it’s pretty clear now that Mr. Weyland’s plan to talk to the Engineers probably wasn’t the best idea ever.

You know for someone who only has staples holding their stomach together, Shaw can jump and run around with complete ease

No, Janek! No! You and your ship only one day left until retirement!

Ahh, Shaw and Vickers. Shouldn’t you be running sideways to get away from the Engineers’ ship? It might actually help!

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See Vickers! If just ran in a different direction, you wouldn’t have been squashed by the ship. Dumb arse.

You know this film has brought up a lot of questions and it hasn’t even bothered to even answer any of them.

Look out, Shaw! There’s a tentacle puppet behind that door!

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Man, it’s a good thing that the giant vagina looking squid looking stopped that Engineer from killing Shaw.

Wait, a second. Shaw is outside and her space suit is missing her gloves? HOW IS SHE STILL ALIVE ?!!!

Without her gloves, she wouldn’t be able to survive the planet’s atmosphere! OMG this film is so stupid!!! My brain is hurting!

I like how David has a change of heart and stops being evil towards Shaw. That’s a sudden change of character.

Wait, so we don’t find anything in relation to what happened with the Space Jokey in ALIEN until the sequel?! This is bull crap!

Why even bother making a prequel that suppose to answer those questions, when you’re not even going bother answering them as all

Brace yourselves everyone: the film’s most pointless bit of fan service is coming! Sorry, Mr. Scott. It’s little, too late.

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However I will say, that the design for this very early version of the Xenomorph is kind of cool and creepy.

That’s the end of the film. You know what more frustrating than a really dumb film? A really dumb film that *thinks* it’s smart.

Also why did you notice that this film has exact the plot of ALIEN VS. PREDATOR? Seriously, I’m not joking. It really does!

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this 36th/3rd anniversary edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out in June for my 37th edition, which I could be doing on one of the following three bad films: BARB WIRE. FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY and HERCULES IN NEW YORK. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon!

– Bede Jermyn

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