Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #32: Jupiter Ascending

Hey everyone! Welcome to my 32nd edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. It’s 2016 and that means I have another year of even more bad movies to watch. Last month here the SuperMarcey.com, I said I was going to do a special Bad Films Of 2015 in honour of all the crap that was released in cinemas during 2015. I posted up poll with three bad 2015 movies on it and I said that whichever one out of those three had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. It was absolutely landslide for one film in particular! For this instalment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… JUPITER ASCENDING! Will I figure out if the film’s story actually makes any sense? Does Eddie Redmayne channel Nicolas Cage with his performance in this film? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

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Bede @BedeJermyn

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: is it too late for me to *not* watch this film?

I mean seriously I’ve written a review of it, what more do you want?! *sigh* The things I do for my readers.

“I’m alien. From the perspective of immigration, an illegal one” Brace yourselves: lots of unsubtle symbolism is coming

Oh, hi Jarvis from AGENT CARTER

Well, Jupiter’s parents got together pretty quickly they?

Note to self: if you want to win the heart of a woman, make sure you have a telescope.

So many outrageous Russian accents.

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“We can’t name our child after a planet” Well, I can think of a lot more worse names based on planets out there than Jupiter

Ummm… Where did these gangsters come from all of a sudden?!

And they just shot and killed Jupiter’s Dad. Why? I have honestly no idea. It just came out of nowhere.

Why Jupiter’s Mum is stowed away on a cargo ship? She was a teacher, I’m pretty sure might have had enough money to buy a plane ticket to America

Yeah… I find it very hard to believe that Mila Kunis would work as a cleaner.

You know for someone whose job is too clean up toilets for a living, Jupiter’s hair and make-up is perfect.

Meanwhile on the planet of Naboo from THE PHANTOM MENACE…

Oh, man. The Wachowskis are still using that really off-putting old age make-up from CLOUD ATLAS.

2015, JUPITER ASCENDING

Ladies and gentlemen: Academy Award winner Eddie Remayne in the role of his career.

“I hate my life” I bet Mila Kunis said that a LOT everyday during the making of this film.

I have to say that having Mila Kunis as a cleaner is almost as ridiculous as having Denise Richards as nuclear physicist.

Yeah, these alien bounty hunters aren’t as cool as the ones from STAR WARS, which I think this film trying so hard to be.

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Oh, hi Channing Tatum! I guess you are now officially the new Keanu Reeves now, huh? Ahh, I mean whoa.

SPACE ROLLER BLADES!

I like how the bounty hunters don’t even bother going after Channing after he escapes.

Eddie Redmayne’s voice is so quiet and soft spoken that you can barely understand what he is saying half the time.

Why do all of Redmayne’s henchman look like they’re wearing gimp outfits? That’s disturbing.

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Nice to see that the Goombas from SUPER MARIO BROS: THE MOVIE are still getting work.

I like how Jupiter’s client doesn’t mind just wearing only a bra and panties in front of her. This wouldn’t happen in real life.

Oh no! Grey Aliens are attacking and they have the Predator’s invisibility powers! Ahhh!!!

“Oh, no! My friend is being attacked by aliens! What do I do?! I know! I’ll take a picture of them on my iPhone!”

Brace yourselves: every single stereotype about Russia is happening at this family dinner scene.

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I don’t know how it’s possible, but these outrageous Russian accents get even more outrageous as the film goes along.

Why is everyone in this family wearing sweats?

Jupiter’s cousin wants her to sell her eggs so that can make money… wait, what?! O_O

The doctors that are operating on Jupiter are actually the grey aliens from earlier?! Oh my Goooodddd!!!!

Thank goodness that Channing Tatum saved Jupiter in the nick of time, I worried there for a second.

Well, this is awkward. Lord Titus is having some kind weird arse orgy on his ship. Not creepy at all.

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Oh, hi Gugu Mbatha-Raw from BELLE and BEYOND THE LIGHTS. So talented, so wasted in this film.

It’s pretty clear that Gugu borrowed Dumbo’s giant ears for her character in this film.

Did Channing changed Mila’s clinic clothes to her normal clothes while she was asleep?! o_O

So… Channing isn’t an alien, he’s actually a genetically engineered solider that’s part wolf? This is just getting weird

Every time Eddie Redmayne screams at the top of his lungs, it’s absolutely hilarious.

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You know how you know your watching a Wachowski film? ‘Cause their characters overexplain EVERYTHING that’s going on.

Man, it’s been a while since we had a gratuitous OTT action scene, I wonder when the next one will… Oh, wait. Never mind.

There is too much city destruction in this scene. I’m outraged! I want an apology right now!

You would think that somebody in is city would notice this epic space battle that’s going on but nope. Nobody does.

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Man, I wished I had anti-gravity boots.

So after destroying nearly half the city, the aliens actually have the technology to rebuild it without anyone noticing?

I wouldn’t be surprised that the Wachowskis put that in there so fan boys wouldn’t have another MAN OF STEEL style of…

… Complaints how there was too much destruction in this film. It all makes perfectly good sense now.

Oh, Eddie Redmayne. Going from Oscar winner to possible Razzie victor in the course of two films in quite a feat.

Wait! Stop! Hold the phone! Did Mila just cover up one of Channing’s wounds with a giant tampon?! o_O

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Oh, hi Sean Bean! Nice to see that you’re not dead in this film yet.

I know what Jupiter is thinking right now: “No! No! Not the bees! Not the bees! They’re in my eyes! AAAHHHH!”

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So the reason why the bees aren’t stinging Jupiter is because she is royalty and they’re genetically designed to sense that? What. The. Fuck.

So much product placement.

I’m starting to think that this should have been titled EXPOSITION ASCENDING ’cause there’s so much of it this film.

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So Sean Bean’s character is part bee? I honestly have no idea how to react to that.

Wait, the aliens were responsible for the destruction of the dinosaurs?! This film is absolutely cuckoo bananas.

Another gratuitous action set piece. I suppose we were due for another one since its been 15 minutes already without one.

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Oh, no! The bounty hunters have kidnapped Jupiter! Again!

So Redmayne wants to use harvest every human so he make them into a serum to stay young?! What am I watching?!

Solent Green is people! Solent Green is people!

Okay, so Jupiter actually is the reincarnation of the Abrasak siblings long dead mother?! This movie, man. This movie…

“You’re 14,000 years old?!” “Well… Actually 14,004” Geez, even immortals are lying about their age too.

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Jupiter quickly looks up at a naked Kalique is starts talking to her. That means Jupiter was perving on her!

You know Channing if your plan was to sneak quietly into the castle without being noticed, you’re not doing a great of it.

Man, there’s too much plot in this film. Maybe it should be a TV show instead of a 2 hour film.

JUPITER ASCENDING - 2015 FILM STILL - Channing Tatum as Caine and Mila Kunis as Jupiter Jones - Photo Credit: Murray Close © 2015 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

I’m surprised that this film isn’t based on a YA novel ’cause that’s what Channing & Mila’s forced romance feels like.

Well… That was awkward.

We’re now finally meeting the true villain of JUPITER ASCENDING: long queues at the end of intergalactic ministry

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Oh, hi Terry Gilliam! You must have been in need of money to do this bizarre cameo in this film.

Oh, here we go again. Mila is awkwardly expressing her love to Channing again.

Wait, if Mila is love with Channing’s character who’s part wolf, does that mean that she’s into bestiality?! EEEWWW!!!!

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Oh, on. Sean Bean has betrayed both Cahnning & Mila. He’s such a Lando.

Wait… Titus wants to marry Jupiter, who is the exact reincarnation of his dead mum?! Oh, my God…

Not only is this film is supporting a bestiality relationship, it’s delving into incest as well?! THIS IS DISTURBING!!!

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Oh, great. We’re back on Earth to see what the annoying Russian stereotypes are up to.

Geez, I bet the costume designer had a field day designing all the craziness that everyone was wearing in this films.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this film is the big budget epic space opera take of THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW.

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I have a strange feeling that JUPITER ASCENDING is a visual reputation of inner crazy nonsensical mind of Donald Trump.

It’s funny how the Wachoskis are trying so hard to make the next STAR WARS that it just fails on almost every level.

I honestly have what’s going on half the time in this film. The plot just doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Why is the ship’s pilot a elephant? On second thought, it’s probably that I don’t know.

“I’m not your mother” “My mother never cleaned a toilet her entire life” Oh, snap!

It’s pretty clear that Eddie Redmayne went to the Nicolas Cage School of Acting when it to his performance in this film.

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Just like Nicolas Cage, Redmayne talks really softly and then suddenly SHOUTS REALLY LOUD in the same sentence.

Eddie Redmayne looks like he’s about to cry in every scene that he is in.

Geez, The film is almost over and Sean Bean isn’t dead yet. This may be the biggest surprised that the film has made.

So Eddie Redmayne’s base is actually hiding inside the planet Jupiter. I have strange feeling there’s a disturbing metaphor there.

Yeah, I think that the Academy might have to take back Eddie’s Oscar after he’s hilariously bad performance here.

Yeah… Channing has come to save the day. Again. Yeah…

Mila just kissed Channing! She just commit bestiality! Gross!

"Jupiter Ascending" (2015) EDDIE REDMAYNE as Balem Abrasax

Man, Eddie Redmayne’s character may be up there one of the most least intimidating villains of all time.

Yeah, this fight scene between Channing and the Goomba looking dinosaur creature isn’t all that exciting.

Hey JUPITER ASCENDING! The STAR WARS prequels called and they want their CGI locations/backdrops back!

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Come on, Mila! Eddie isn’t that hard to fight back against. Even my 5 year old niece could beat him in a fight.

Well, Eddie has now fallen down into the same oblivion that both Emperor Palpatine and Skeletor have done previously in other movies.

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Yep, Channing is still roller blading in space.

Well, after saving humanity from being destroyed, Jupiter goes back to cleaning toilets. Figures.

Ah, oh. Even before the film is over, we still have to listen to those outrageous Russian accents one last time.

Jupiter since you now own the Earth, can please ship Donald Trump off to another planet. Or even the sun. Pretty please.

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Ummm… When Channing said he needed to get his ‘wings’, it meant it literally. HE’S GOT BLOODY WINGS NOW! No joke!

I do not approve of this beastiality relationship between Mila & Channing. It’s gross, man! Gross!!!

Ummm… How come nobody notices a guy with wings and a girl with anti-gravity boots flying around above the city?

Well, that’s the end of the film. Yeah, I think watch another space opera in the future, I’ll just watch STAR WARS again.

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this32nd edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out in February for my 33rd edition, which I could be doing on one of the following three bad films: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2, HOWARD THE DUCK and KAZAAM. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon!

– Bede Jermyn

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