Hey everyone! Welcome to my 32nd edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. It’s 2016 and that means I have another year of even more bad movies to watch. Last month here the SuperMarcey.com, I said I was going to do a special Bad Films Of 2015 in honour of all the crap that was released in cinemas during 2015. I posted up poll with three bad 2015 movies on it and I said that whichever one out of those three had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. It was absolutely landslide for one film in particular! For this instalment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… JUPITER ASCENDING! Will I figure out if the film’s story actually makes any sense? Does Eddie Redmayne channel Nicolas Cage with his performance in this film? Read on and find out! Enjoy!
Bede @BedeJermyn
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: is it too late for me to *not* watch this film? #JupiterAscending
I mean seriously I’ve written a review of it, what more do you want?! *sigh* The things I do for my readers. #JupiterAscending
“I’m alien. From the perspective of immigration, an illegal one” Brace yourselves: lots of unsubtle symbolism is coming #JupiterAscending
Oh, hi Jarvis from AGENT CARTER #JupiterAscending
Well, Jupiter’s parents got together pretty quickly they? #JupiterAscending
Note to self: if you want to win the heart of a woman, make sure you have a telescope. #JupiterAscending
So many outrageous Russian accents. #JupiterAscending
“We can’t name our child after a planet” Well, I can think of a lot more worse names based on planets out there than Jupiter #JupiterAscending
Ummm… Where did these gangsters come from all of a sudden?! #JupiterAscending
And they just shot and killed Jupiter’s Dad. Why? I have honestly no idea. It just came out of nowhere. #JupiterAscending
Why Jupiter’s Mum is stowed away on a cargo ship? She was a teacher, I’m pretty sure might have had enough money to buy a plane ticket to America #JupiterAscending
Yeah… I find it very hard to believe that Mila Kunis would work as a cleaner. #JupiterAscending
You know for someone whose job is too clean up toilets for a living, Jupiter’s hair and make-up is perfect. #JupiterAscending
Meanwhile on the planet of Naboo from THE PHANTOM MENACE… #JupiterAscending
Oh, man. The Wachowskis are still using that really off-putting old age make-up from CLOUD ATLAS. #JupiterAscending
Ladies and gentlemen: Academy Award winner Eddie Remayne in the role of his career. #JupiterAscending
“I hate my life” I bet Mila Kunis said that a LOT everyday during the making of this film. #JupiterAscending
I have to say that having Mila Kunis as a cleaner is almost as ridiculous as having Denise Richards as nuclear physicist. #JupiterAscending
Yeah, these alien bounty hunters aren’t as cool as the ones from STAR WARS, which I think this film trying so hard to be. #JupiterAscending
Oh, hi Channing Tatum! I guess you are now officially the new Keanu Reeves now, huh? Ahh, I mean whoa. #JupiterAscending
SPACE ROLLER BLADES! #JupiterAscending
I like how the bounty hunters don’t even bother going after Channing after he escapes. #JupiterAscending
Eddie Redmayne’s voice is so quiet and soft spoken that you can barely understand what he is saying half the time. #JupiterAscending
Why do all of Redmayne’s henchman look like they’re wearing gimp outfits? That’s disturbing. #JupiterAscending
Nice to see that the Goombas from SUPER MARIO BROS: THE MOVIE are still getting work. #JupiterAscending
I like how Jupiter’s client doesn’t mind just wearing only a bra and panties in front of her. This wouldn’t happen in real life. #JupiterAscending
Oh no! Grey Aliens are attacking and they have the Predator’s invisibility powers! Ahhh!!! #JupiterAscending
“Oh, no! My friend is being attacked by aliens! What do I do?! I know! I’ll take a picture of them on my iPhone!” #JupiterAscending
Brace yourselves: every single stereotype about Russia is happening at this family dinner scene. #JupiterAscending
I don’t know how it’s possible, but these outrageous Russian accents get even more outrageous as the film goes along. #JupiterAscending
Why is everyone in this family wearing sweats? #JupiterAscending
Jupiter’s cousin wants her to sell her eggs so that can make money… wait, what?! O_O #JupiterAscending
The doctors that are operating on Jupiter are actually the grey aliens from earlier?! Oh my Goooodddd!!!! #JupiterAscending
Thank goodness that Channing Tatum saved Jupiter in the nick of time, I worried there for a second. #JupiterAscending
Well, this is awkward. Lord Titus is having some kind weird arse orgy on his ship. Not creepy at all. #JupiterAscending
Oh, hi Gugu Mbatha-Raw from BELLE and BEYOND THE LIGHTS. So talented, so wasted in this film. #JupiterAscending
It’s pretty clear that Gugu borrowed Dumbo’s giant ears for her character in this film. #JupiterAscending
Did Channing changed Mila’s clinic clothes to her normal clothes while she was asleep?! 
#JupiterAscending
So… Channing isn’t an alien, he’s actually a genetically engineered solider that’s part wolf? This is just getting weird #JupiterAscending
Every time Eddie Redmayne screams at the top of his lungs, it’s absolutely hilarious. #JupiterAscending
You know how you know your watching a Wachowski film? ‘Cause their characters overexplain EVERYTHING that’s going on. #JupiterAscending
Man, it’s been a while since we had a gratuitous OTT action scene, I wonder when the next one will… Oh, wait. Never mind. #JupiterAscending
There is too much city destruction in this scene. I’m outraged! I want an apology right now! #JupiterAscending
You would think that somebody in is city would notice this epic space battle that’s going on but nope. Nobody does. #JupiterAscending
Man, I wished I had anti-gravity boots. #JupiterAscending
So after destroying nearly half the city, the aliens actually have the technology to rebuild it without anyone noticing? #JupiterAscending
I wouldn’t be surprised that the Wachowskis put that in there so fan boys wouldn’t have another MAN OF STEEL style of… #JupiterAscending
… Complaints how there was too much destruction in this film. It all makes perfectly good sense now. #JupiterAscending
Oh, Eddie Redmayne. Going from Oscar winner to possible Razzie victor in the course of two films in quite a feat. #JupiterAscending
Wait! Stop! Hold the phone! Did Mila just cover up one of Channing’s wounds with a giant tampon?! #JupiterAscending
Oh, hi Sean Bean! Nice to see that you’re not dead in this film yet. #JupiterAscending
I know what Jupiter is thinking right now: “No! No! Not the bees! Not the bees! They’re in my eyes! AAAHHHH!” #JupiterAscending
So the reason why the bees aren’t stinging Jupiter is because she is royalty and they’re genetically designed to sense that? What. The. Fuck. #JupiterAscending
So much product placement. #JupiterAscending
I’m starting to think that this should have been titled EXPOSITION ASCENDING ’cause there’s so much of it this film. #JupiterAscending
So Sean Bean’s character is part bee? I honestly have no idea how to react to that. #JupiterAscending
Wait, the aliens were responsible for the destruction of the dinosaurs?! This film is absolutely cuckoo bananas. #JupiterAscending
Another gratuitous action set piece. I suppose we were due for another one since its been 15 minutes already without one. #JupiterAscending
Oh, no! The bounty hunters have kidnapped Jupiter! Again! #JupiterAscending
So Redmayne wants to use harvest every human so he make them into a serum to stay young?! What am I watching?! #JupiterAscending
Solent Green is people! Solent Green is people! #JupiterAscending
Okay, so Jupiter actually is the reincarnation of the Abrasak siblings long dead mother?! This movie, man. This movie… #JupiterAscending
“You’re 14,000 years old?!” “Well… Actually 14,004” Geez, even immortals are lying about their age too. #JupiterAscending
Jupiter quickly looks up at a naked Kalique is starts talking to her. That means Jupiter was perving on her! #JupiterAscending
You know Channing if your plan was to sneak quietly into the castle without being noticed, you’re not doing a great of it. #JupiterAscending
Man, there’s too much plot in this film. Maybe it should be a TV show instead of a 2 hour film. #JupiterAscending
I’m surprised that this film isn’t based on a YA novel ’cause that’s what Channing & Mila’s forced romance feels like. #JupiterAscending
Well… That was awkward. #JupiterAscending
We’re now finally meeting the true villain of JUPITER ASCENDING: long queues at the end of intergalactic ministry #JupiterAscending
Oh, hi Terry Gilliam! You must have been in need of money to do this bizarre cameo in this film. #JupiterAscending
Oh, here we go again. Mila is awkwardly expressing her love to Channing again. #JupiterAscending
Wait, if Mila is love with Channing’s character who’s part wolf, does that mean that she’s into bestiality?! EEEWWW!!!! #JupiterAscending
Oh, on. Sean Bean has betrayed both Cahnning & Mila. He’s such a Lando. #JupiterAscending
Wait… Titus wants to marry Jupiter, who is the exact reincarnation of his dead mum?! Oh, my God… #JupiterAscending
Not only is this film is supporting a bestiality relationship, it’s delving into incest as well?! THIS IS DISTURBING!!! #JupiterAscending
Oh, great. We’re back on Earth to see what the annoying Russian stereotypes are up to. #JupiterAscending
Geez, I bet the costume designer had a field day designing all the craziness that everyone was wearing in this films. #JupiterAscending
I’ve come to the conclusion that this film is the big budget epic space opera take of THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW. #JupiterAscending
I have a strange feeling that JUPITER ASCENDING is a visual reputation of inner crazy nonsensical mind of Donald Trump. #JupiterAscending
It’s funny how the Wachoskis are trying so hard to make the next STAR WARS that it just fails on almost every level. #JupiterAscending
I honestly have what’s going on half the time in this film. The plot just doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. #JupiterAscending
Why is the ship’s pilot a elephant? On second thought, it’s probably that I don’t know. #JupiterAscending
“I’m not your mother” “My mother never cleaned a toilet her entire life” Oh, snap! #JupiterAscending
It’s pretty clear that Eddie Redmayne went to the Nicolas Cage School of Acting when it to his performance in this film. #JupiterAscending
Just like Nicolas Cage, Redmayne talks really softly and then suddenly SHOUTS REALLY LOUD in the same sentence. #JupiterAscending
Eddie Redmayne looks like he’s about to cry in every scene that he is in. #JupiterAscending
Geez, The film is almost over and Sean Bean isn’t dead yet. This may be the biggest surprised that the film has made. #JupiterAscending
So Eddie Redmayne’s base is actually hiding inside the planet Jupiter. I have strange feeling there’s a disturbing metaphor there. #JupiterAscending
Yeah, I think that the Academy might have to take back Eddie’s Oscar after he’s hilariously bad performance here. #JupiterAscending
Yeah… Channing has come to save the day. Again. Yeah… #JupiterAscending
Mila just kissed Channing! She just commit bestiality! Gross! #JupiterAscending
Man, Eddie Redmayne’s character may be up there one of the most least intimidating villains of all time. #JupiterAscending
Yeah, this fight scene between Channing and the Goomba looking dinosaur creature isn’t all that exciting. #JupiterAscending
Hey JUPITER ASCENDING! The STAR WARS prequels called and they want their CGI locations/backdrops back! #JupiterAscending
Come on, Mila! Eddie isn’t that hard to fight back against. Even my 5 year old niece could beat him in a fight. #JupiterAscending
Well, Eddie has now fallen down into the same oblivion that both Emperor Palpatine and Skeletor have done previously in other movies. #JupiterAscending
Yep, Channing is still roller blading in space. #JupiterAscending
Well, after saving humanity from being destroyed, Jupiter goes back to cleaning toilets. Figures. #JupiterAscending
Ah, oh. Even before the film is over, we still have to listen to those outrageous Russian accents one last time. #JupiterAscending
Jupiter since you now own the Earth, can please ship Donald Trump off to another planet. Or even the sun. Pretty please. #JupiterAscending
Ummm… When Channing said he needed to get his ‘wings’, it meant it literally. HE’S GOT BLOODY WINGS NOW! No joke! #JupiterAscending
I do not approve of this beastiality relationship between Mila & Channing. It’s gross, man! Gross!!! #JupiterAscending
Ummm… How come nobody notices a guy with wings and a girl with anti-gravity boots flying around above the city? #JupiterAscending
Well, that’s the end of the film. Yeah, I think watch another space opera in the future, I’ll just watch STAR WARS again. #JupiterAscending
I hope everyone enjoyed reading this32nd edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out in February for my 33rd edition, which I could be doing on one of the following three bad films: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2, HOWARD THE DUCK and KAZAAM. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon!
– Bede Jermyn
