Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #26: House Of The Dead

Hey everyone! Welcome to the 26th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. As you already know last month here on SuperMarcey.com I posted up poll with three bad movies and I said that whichever one out of those three films had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. For this instalment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… HOUSE OF THE DEAD! Is this really the worst video game film adaptation of all time? Has Uwe Boll ever made a film that was even decent? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

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Bede @BedeJermyn

I know that I’ve said this many times before but I’m going to say it again: is it too late for me to NOT watch this film?

Actually as a matter of fact, this will be my third viewing of the film. *Shudders*… I feel so dirty saying that out loud.

“It was a nightmare…So many dead people…So many victims…” Funny, that’s what the critics said after watching this film

“All that remains in the rotten smell of death” So that’s pretty much happened to everyone’s careers after this film, right?

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You can tell that this film was made in the early ’00s ’cause it opens with House music.

This song sounds strangely similar to The Prodigy’s “Firestarter”. I smell a lawsuit!

Look out! Douchebag alert!

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This is some pretty awkward setup in introducing our characters.

And there he is! The man whose name strikes fear in the hearts of all film fans across the world: Uwe Boll!

True fact: if you say Uwe Boll’s name 3 times into a mirror, he’ll appear and kill you by forcing you to watch one of his films.

I have never heard of a more monotone narration in a film in my entire life than one in this film. He sounds so bored.

Clint Howard is the Fisherman in I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

Poor Clint Howard. I suppose he needs something to do in his spare time his brother Ron isn’t directing any films.

One of the actor’s in this film looks like Chris O’Donnell.

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Jurgen Prochnow is this film as well. He’s playing a captain. Yep, he’s definitely come a long way since DAS BOOT, huh?

Oh, by the way, Jurgen’s character is named Captain Kirk, No, I’m joking. That really is he’s character’s name.

Geez, those coast guards are taking their sweet time getting to Captain Kirk’s boat.

I have a question: did we really need a HOUSE OF THE DEAD film? I don’t think the original game was ever crying out for one?

Uh, oh. That woman and her boyfriend are going skinny dipping. They are so going to die now.

The Chris O’Donnell lookalike is spewing up all over the place. Funny enough, that’s how I felt after watching this film too

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Really, Uwe Boll? Are you trying to ripoff the opening of JAWS for this scene?! Have you know shame at all?

I don’t know why a woman is wandering around topless on Jurgen’s boat. I seriously don’t know at all.

Oh, yeah. Your boyfriend is definitely hiding out in the old creepy abandoned house. Why wouldn’t he be?

I bet any money that those tombstones only cost 2$ to make.

Ahh… Why is scenes from the original HOUSE OF THE DEAD video game popping up all over the place? I don’t get it.

It’s funny. Uwe Boll was making Asylum-esque films before even the Asylum started to do it.

Yep, there’s those cut-scenes from the HOTD video game again. Seriously, what’s the point of them?

Geez, it’s taken those people a long time to walk to that rave. It was only daylight when they left the beach.

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Obviously, there’s nothing unusual or suspicious about this abandon rave party. Nothing at all.

SEGA definitely getting their money’s worth with the product placement by cutting to in every shot in this scene.

Yeah, dude. I’m pretty sure that the old creepy abandon house was built over a millennia ago.

Hey, that guy with the video camera is Michael Eklund! That creepy actor who plays all those creepy characters in films.

Believe it or now, Eklund. Romero did make he’s 4 DEAD. It came out 2 years later and it was called LAND OF THE DEAD.

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Yeah, just like every other video game film that Uwe Boll has ever made, the film’s plot is nothing like the game at all.

WHAT DO THEY KEEP CUTTING TO SCENES FROM THE ORIGINAL GAME?! THIS IS GETTING ANNOYING!

Chris O’Donnell’s doppelganger was hiding out in a turned-over outdoor toilet. I’m surprised he wasn’t covered more in crap.

NO! A zombie just Michael Eklund! He had so much creepy stuff to offer!

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Oh, thank goodness. The leader of the coast guard has shown up and shot the zombie. I was worried there for a sec.

Ah, Uwe Boll. Lucio Fulci called and he wants his swimming zombies back!

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You know for someone who has never seen zombies before, Jurgen is taking them pretty well. Especially killing them.

Oh, man. The zombie makeup in this film is awful.

I really hope nothing bad happens to our characters as they’re crossing that brid-oh, wait. Never mind.

Dude! When your friends scream at you to not swim to the zombie infest boat, you better listen dammit!

I don’t why that dancer character Liberty is wearing a leotard made of the American flag. I just don’t know.

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Ahh… Why does everyone know hand-to-hand combat all of a sudden?

That zombie has an acid breath that only the Xenomorph from the ALIEN series will love.

The actor that played Greg retired from acting in 2008. After starring in a lot of Uwe Boll films, I probably would to.

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Yeah… Having ‘too little of sunscreen’ is definitely the cause of the zombie outbreak on the island. Dumb arse.

Ahh… Why are we having a random B&W flashback to something that happened a hundred years ago?

Marlon Brando! Oh, wait. That’s not him. My mistake.

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Geez, even Boll stole the whole ‘zombies running’ thing from 28 DAYS LATER. Seriously, he really is shameless isn’t he?

Oh, wait. Uwe Boll just paid *homage* to a scene from THE LORD OF THE RINGS… I honestly have no words for any of this

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Man, these’s zombies can do anything. They can run, jump, swim, spit acid, use weapons… They’re multipurpose y’all!

NNNOOO! Not the Chris O’Donnell lookalike guy!

Geez, how many guns are in that box?! It’s like every gun in world is in there.

Yep, we’re still getting more cut scenes from the original video game. Is there any actual to their use in the film?

WHY DO THEY KEEP CUTTING TO SCENES FROM THE VIDEO GAME DURING THIS ACTION SCENE?! IT! DOESN’T! MAKE! ANY! SENSE!!!!

Ahh, guys! You would probably make it to the creepy church much quicker if you didn’t walk there in SLOW MOTION!!!

Where is this rap song coming from?

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Oh, great. Uwe Boll is now stealing all the ‘bullet time’ action sequences from THE MATRIX films. He’s not even trying!

Hey Boll! The Wachowskis called and they also want all their scenes you’ve stolen from them back as well!

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I don’t know why a shotgun bullet just broke apart into a bunch of smaller bullets… But that’s actually kind of cool.

It’s amazing how everyone knows how to handle a gun… And do martial arts… *Blinks*

A shotgun bullet just went straight through three zombies at the same time… I got to admit. That was kind of cool too.

Geez, this action sequence has been going on for a while.

So… Much… House music…

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NNNOOO! Not Liberty! She’s was the only somewhat cool character in the film!

Yep, that unbolted wooden door is definitely going to hold those zombies back.

I wonder if Christian Slater, Ben Kingsley, Ray Liotta Jason Statham etc. all saw this film before they signed on to work with Boll?

‘Sad Theme’ from HOUSE OF THE DEAD

You know for a film that’s called HOUSE OF THE DEAD, the house itself that’s part of the title is pretty bloody small.

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Oh, man. The acting in this film. Oh, man.

So… What ever happened to Clint Howard? He’s just basically disappeared from this film.

Geez, the sets in this film look they only cost about 10$ to make.

I like how everybody is an expert on… well… particularly EVERYTHING in this film.

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Ahh, yeah. Jurgen. If you are going to blow yourself up, please do it FAR AWAY from the door that’s keeping the zombies out!

The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!

I’m not even going to try to figure out why they’re still using cut-scenes from the video game in this film. I just can’t.

Yeah… A lot of help you were!

I don’t know what’s even happening anymore.

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Oh, look. The Marlon Brando looking dude is back. That means more unnecessary flashbacks.

EEEWWW! He’s licking her ear! That’s gross!

It’s a good thing that they had that hand grenade handy.

Hold on! They brought back the ‘bullet time’ effects again!

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It’s a good thing that Alicia said that she has been taking fencing lessons ’cause this could have been a one-sided fight

Whoops! Spoke too soon. Alicia just got stabbed in the chest. That was… Anticlimactic.

Once again, nobody knows how to emote in this film.

So Alicia is dead, her boyfriend is grieving and the guy who knows how to reanimate people is dead…

Yeah, I don’t think it takes a genius to figure out this film is going to end.

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Yep, I thought right: Rudy has reanimated his dead girlfriend Alicia. WHO DID NOT SEE THAT COMING?!

Well, that’s the end of the film. But it’s also the beginning of the nightmare know as Uwe Boll’s career as a film director

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this 26th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out in late July for my 27th edition, which I could be doing on one of the following three bad films: GYMKATA, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE and WILD WILD WEST. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon! Also a keep a look out next for a very special one-off edition of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, which I’ll be watching and live-tweeting… SHARNADO 3: OH, HELL NO!!

– Bede Jermyn

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