Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #23: The Love Guru

Hey everyone! Welcome to the 23rd edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. As you already know last month here on SuperMarcey.com I posted up poll with three bad movies and I said that whichever one out of those three films had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. For this instalment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… THE LOVE GURU! Will I figure out why the talented agreed to do this film? Did this film nearly destroy Mike Myers’ career? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

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Bede @BedeJermyn

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I know I’ve said this many times before, but I’m going to say it again. Is it too late for me NOT to watch this film?

Wait… Is that Morgan Freeman doing the opening narration?! Why, Morgan?! Why?! You deserve better than this film!

Oh, wait. It’s just Mike Myers using a voice changing machine. Still that doesn’t make it any better at all!

Yeah, that joke wasn’t funny at all, Mike Myers. Oh, man. The next 90 minutes are going to be filled with jokes like that, right?

Stephen Colbert?! STEPHEN COLBERT?! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!

Justin Timberlake looks like he is a 70s porn star in this film

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Justin Timberlake’s character’s nickname is ‘Le Coq’. Hmmm… It can’t be a about his penis, that would be too easy of a joke.

Well, I spoke too soon. Apparently it is. Wow, I didn’t see that obvious joke coming at all. Not!

Yeah, I can totally by Jessica Alba owning a ice hockey team. Actually on second thought: no, I don’t.

Geez, the camera stayed on Guru Pitka’s book for quite a while. That shot went on for at lest 30 minutes or so.

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Ahh, Hollywood. Where even the crappiest of film ideas can get made.

Oh, dear God. Mike Myers, why did have to go and ruin Dolly Parton’s classic song ‘9 to 5’. This rendition of it is awful!

Wait… Guru Pitka was a guru for the Beatles?! HOW OLD IS HE MEANT TO BE IN THIS FILM?!

Mike Myers, Manu Narayan, Jessica Alba

Butt flossing. Just what the world needed to see. Now I’ll never be able to unsee that.

Now Guru Pitka has literally, and I mean LITERALLY shoved his own head up his own arse. I wish I was joking.

John Oliver is in this film too?! WHY JOHN OLIVER?! WHY?! And he’s playing a guy named Dick Pants… AGGHH!

Meanwhile 30 years ago in an unnecessary flashback…

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OMG! They CGI Mike Myers’ head on a little kid’s body?! THIS IS MOST CREEPIEST AND DISTURBING THING I’VE EVER SEEN!!!

Ben Kingsley?! BEN KINGSLEY?! How many actor’s career must you keep destroying with this film, Mike Myers?!

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Of course Ben Kingsley is playing a guru who is crossed-eyed. Cause that’s totally hilarious… *sigh*

Man, all the jokes in this film sound like jokes that I would’ve told when I was like 12 years old. Myers isn’t even trying

Oh, hi Jessica Simpson! This is probably the best performance she has ever given

Oh, hi Val Kilmer!

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It makes sense that Mariska Hargitay would have a cameo in this film since Guru Pitka’s greeting is ‘Mariska Hargitay’ *sigh*

Now the film has turned into a Bollywood film for no apparent reason

“Who is this prick?” Ahh… It’s Guru Pitka, Verne Troyer. You at his seminar like 5 minutes ago

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Wow… This film is very mean-spirited towards dwarf actors.

Where on Earth is Guru Pitka pulling out all his books from? They just like come out of thin air.

It’s weird that I’ve actually met two people in real life from this film: Val Kilmer and Verne Troyer.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I want a remote control magic carpet. That would be awesome!

Geez, there’s a lot of product placement in this scene.

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Hello Meagan Good… *re-ow*

Wait a sec! Justin Timberlake’s character can’t be a true Canadian if he’s favourite singer is Celine Dion! That’s not realistic

Guru Pitka is fighting a rooster. Sorry, Mike Myers. But FAMILY GUY already did this first.

Can any of my Canadian friends/followers tell me if a Quebec pizza is a real thing? Cause I need to know!

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Say what you will about this film, but you gotta admit that Justin Timberlake is the best part of it all.

An elephant just took a crap. It must be a metaphor for something, but I’m not sure what…

Oh, man. Not another flashback.

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Ben Kingsley… You’re character just pissed into a bucket. Have you got any shame at all?

Mike Myer just got hit in the face with a mop that’s drenched in urine… I’ve got nothing for that. Seriously, I don’t. *sigh*

You want to know if a film is a product of its time? If a character in the film says, ‘Am I being Punk’d?’

Man, this film is so devoid of humour, that it has the power to suck the life of all the comedians that are in it.

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Verne Troyer’s character’s name is Cherkov, which is pronounced Jerk off. Yeah, the jokes are completely subtle in this film

Yeah, I honestly don’t know what the point of that shower scene was.

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Why is Romany Malco dressed up as Michael Jackson?

Oh, man. The facial expressions of extras in this bar scene are actually pretty hilarious

Oh, hi Tosh from the show of the same name!

Well, it wouldn’t be a bar scene if it didn’t finish off with everyone fighting at the end of it.

Mike Myers just pulled a pool cue out of his butt. This film just keeps getting better and better as it goes on… *sigh*

You know for a film that’s PG-13, there’s a lot, and I mean A LOT, of sex jokes. And very obvious ones at that.

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What the hell has Guru Pitka done to his hair?! It’s bizarre!

Oh, dear God. The awful jokes in this film. The awful jokes…

Oh, geez. Did Mike Myers get all his jokes from a children’s joke book for this film?

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You know I got to admire Justin Timberlake in this film. He’s going all out when it comes to his performance.

Yeah, I totally by the love story between Jessica Alba and Mike Myers in this film. It makes total sense.

Sorry for the lack of tweets, I’m just was watching the hockey game that’s in this film

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Great. Another dick joke. This film doesn’t run out of them, does it?

I like how the score is basically an instrumental of the Extreme song “More Than Words”.

Well, Jessica Alba. You sure showed that guy.

Wow… This film found a way to make a joke involving the ‘C’ world. No joke o_O

Guru Pitka has a plan that’ll save the day. I wonder what it will be? I hope it doesn’t involve two elephants.

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Man, this film really hates little people.

So… Guru Pitka’s plan to save the day is getting two elephants to have sex to distract people… Okay.

Just when I thought that this film couldn’t get any lower, it finds a way to do so.

Seriously, Mike Myers. Out of all the plans you could think off, you went with two elephants having sex? *sigh*

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Wait… Not only does Mike Myers play Guru Pitka, he also plays HIMSELF as well?! I can’t process this at all!

Oh, hi Kanye West!

Hey, Deepak Chopra! How do you feel about this film taking the absolute piss out of what you do for a living?

Wait… ‘India, Present Day’? Other than the flashbacks, I thought this film was already set in the present?!

Oh, Ben Kingsley. Oh, Ben Kingsley. I hope the paycheck for this film was worth it.

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Oh, geez. Mike Myers please don’t ruin another classic song. You’ve already done enough damage wit this film.

Of course you can’t have a film like this, if doesn’t it end with a Bollywood style dance number

Well, credits are rolling. Thank God that they are cause I don’t think I can stand watching this crappy film anymore!

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this 23rd edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Usually at this part of the aritlce, I would tell you about three bad films that’ll be up for consideration for next month’s 24th edition (which you would vote in a poll on this site). However I’ve decided that I won’t be posting a poll for that one. Why you ask? ‘Cause May actually marks the 2nd anniversary of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon column. So I thought that to celebrate this special occasion, instead of asking you readers to pick which bad film I should watch and live-tweet, I would instead pick the film myself. So which bad film have I chosen for the 24th/2nd anniversary edition of the article? I’m going to be doing it one of my all time favourite bad movies: the obscure 1966 Japanese superhero film THE GOLDEN BAT! Keep a look out for it here on supermarcey.com in late May!

– Bede Jermyn

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