The Super Network

And now, the latest slap in the face to the ‘Resident Evil’ franchise, ‘Retribution’. At first I thought this movie was trying to be fancy giving itself this subtitle, but the more I think about it, the more appropriate it seems- retribution on it’s suffering audience for being optimistic, retribution on those who still think the games are better (and they ARE) and finally retribution on all good taste. This series stopped being fun around ‘Extinction’, and ‘Afterlife’ really should have been re-named ‘Afterbirth’. But ‘Retribution’ has hit a brand new low. So why did I watch this on a cold and rainy night? Because I am fortune’s fool, darling.

PS. You may notice I refer to established characters from the games featured in this movie between these “ ”, because none of them in these movies are remotely the same as the characters in the game canon.

Facebook Follies: Resident Evil – Retribution

How I’ve managed to endure “Resident Evil Retribution” so far is beyond me.

Wait… what? That long, drawn-out credit sequence that was done in backward slo-mo was an action sequence that only lasts for literally a minute? I knew this movie was gonna be scraping the bottom of the style barrel, but they didn’t have to lay down their cards so soon.

Le Oded Fehr. Le sigh.

Nice to see Michelle Rodriguez again. I have a girl crush on her, sue me.

This ‘interrogation’ scene is really giving my occular senses the shits. TOO MUCH LIGHT.

This whole corridor sequence is like a very bad fashion commercial ripoff of ‘Oldboy’.

And once again, Alice comes out unscathed. Bless.

Well, at least the actress playing “Ada” is Asian. And… she’s wearing the same impractical (but still nice) dress from the fourth game. Yeah. Oh and look, two Blinkys (Executioner/Axe dude from RE5 and Afterlife). I would be thrilled only I’m… not.

Umbrella is the most incompetant, wasteful, idiotic corporation EVER.

Yes, I give RE creatures nicknames when I play the games… helps me keep a sense of humour when I see the You Are Dead screen.

Yeah, I know it’s not saying too much when I think the actress playing “Ada” isn’t half bad… STOP TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC, BEA.

Oh, oh, BLATANT Ripley/Newt dynamic ahoy.

You can really tell when a series has hit it’s low point when it’s final saving grace, a good soundtrack, is non-existent. All of what I am hearing has been done in previous movies and is being uncreatively recycled.

This movie isn’t “So bad it’s stupidly charming” it’s just frigging stupid and boring. Why am I not being more constructive with my time?

Was… that meant to be a Licker?

Meanwhile, there are starving orphans in the world, refugees fleeing from their homes, people dying of preventable diseases that the obnoxious amount of money that was used to make this masterpiece of crap has wasted. Anderson, you’re a monster.

This is unashamedly taking on the very guise of a videogame- it’s literally moving from stage to stage, doing boss battles and laying waste enemy hoardes. THAT’S IT. That is literally it.

Why does “Wesker” care about the human race? Why does he care about anybody else? Why the fuck does Shawn Roberts sound like he has marbles in his mouth?

Hey hey! Check out “Leon”’s shiny, silky, 90’s boy-band hair! Can’t have Leon without that!

Oh hey! It’s THAT black guy! You know that guy!

Surprised “Barry” hasn’t said “What IS this?” Kevin Durand, I love you, but what are you DOING here?

Oh come the fuck on! The Licker-Thing kidnapping the kid? Alice going on a rescue mission into the bowels of the facility? FUCKING ALIENS. RIP OFF. RIP. OFF.

These movies aren’t even TRYING any more. They’re like dead-eyed strippers going through the motions just to support their drug habits.

Oh for crying out loud, boo hoo, Alice is bleeding, she’s hurt! GOOD. NOW DIE, FOUL STAIN.

Aaaaand Alice has just saved kid from a slimy secretion enclosure. Calling James Cameron, calling James Cameron.

Paul W.S Anderson totally watched the final 40 minutes of “Aliens” to put together this section of this magnum opus of his.

OHNOES, “BARRY” DIED. I would care only I honestly couldn’t care less. Oh well, we still have ‘Leon’s awesome hair!

Does Anderson even realise that if that were the real Jill Valentine she would obliterate Alice simply by batting an eyelash at her? Nope, apparently not.

Great, more slo-mo fighting.

And once again, Alice over-shadows “Jill” when the latter is about to do something cool. Listen Anderson, I know you love your wife and I know you love showing her off to all the slobbering guys who envy your fortune, but the fact you have made Alice practically a god among humans is plain obnoxious and goes against what made the series so successful in the first place- that a character could DIE at any moment and— oh great, here I am trying to find sense in this mess!

Bye Michelle. 😦

“Wesker” is in the White House. Well, I can’t say that trait isn’t completely untrue to the actual character…

I honestly feel like I have had a lobotomy watching that fight scene.

Oh for the love of… Alice, “Jill”, “Wesker” and “Ada” standing on the roof of the White House looking like Power Rangers as hoardes of undead crowd the lawn? I just… I JUST CAN’T RIGHT NOW.

I need a hug. And a pony 😦

For the record, THIS is Albert Wesker, and he is coming for you, Anderson.