The 10 Least Threatening Villains in Cinema by G-Funk

Cinema is littered with many great examples of evil villainly, and countless lists have been dedicated to them. Here’s the opposite end of the spectrum: the ones who sucked at the job. These boys couldn’t menace their way out of a paper bag.

10.  Green Goblin (William Dafoe) from Spider-man

Let’s be clear about one thing – William Dafoe is a scary dude. If he came flying at you on a hovering jetboard and a manic grin on his face, you’d crap your pants. Scientifically proven. But not even the menace of Dafoe can prevail after he’s been dressed as a retarded Power Ranger.

9. Nuclear Man (Mark Pillow) from Superman IV

There’s plenty that can be levelled at Nuclear Man. He’s a cheap knock-off from Superman, he sports a mullet and his main attacks come in the form of scratching the Man of Steel and stealing his cape. The real crushing blow, however, comes from the fact that he’s played by a guy named Mark Pillow.

Pillow.

8.  Eric Knox (Sam Rockwell) from Charlie’s Angels

Performance aside (there’s no faulting the Rockwell), this guy is supposed to be a threat to one of the most elite crime fighting, kick-ass spy team in history, but simply can’t manage it. He spends half the film pretending to be his own meek, helpless hostage, only to reveal himself to be a pansy-ass, effeminate poser. He sings along to disco, chugs cola and generally acts like a nonce. No wonder he needed Crispen Glover to do all the work for him.

7.General Grievous from Revenge of the Sith

After birthing some of the most iconic bad dudes in sci-fi – one Darth Vadar and one Emperor – the new antagonists had a lot to live up to. So far, things had been…average. Darth Maul was over-hyped and under-used, Count Dooku was just kinda confusing (wait, who ordered the clones?), and then we had this: an asthmatic robot. Wheezing and gasping and his flaps about in a fabulous cape, General Grievous is one cliché away from twirling a moustache.

What makes him really unthreatening, though, is one simple leap of logic the Jedi never made. He’s a robot, he’s made of bolts and detachable parts, and you have telekinesis.  Do the math, numbskulls.

6. Dominic Greene (Matthieu Amalric) from Quantum of Solace

It’s  a fair bet that you can quiz anyone within minutes of leaving the theatre about this guy, and they’d come up blank on his name, general appearance and evil scheme. The Bond franchise is notable for its memorable villains and imaginative (and bat-shit crazy) plots, but Greene stands out for being the most forgettable enemy of MI6. Played by possibly the blandest sentient life form on a mission to steal water, him and his entire film can fade into obscurity.

5. Max (Jason Patric) – The Losers

Initially in the comic series upon which the movie was based, Max was an ambiguous character. The titular characters are often uncertain if he is a real person at all. This being quite a lofty concept and all, the producers of the movie ditched it in favour of a villain so pathetic that they’d look out of place in an Austin Powers movie. Everything about him is terrible – the gimmicky glove, the shocking dialogue, the piss-poor performance…Max  winds up dragging the film rating down a couple of stars.

4. The Riddler (Jim Carey) from Batman Forever

You’d think that any villain from the Joel Schumacher Batman films would have a place on this list, but character design aside Arnie could still pummel you, Tommy Lee Jones is still a bad-ass and Uma Thurman could paralyse you with her terrible acting. The Riddler is Jim Carey in a green spandex one-piece. He’s got nothing else going for him. He needs his ass kicked on principle.

3. The Aliens from Signs

The surface of the Earth is covered 70.8% covered with water. There’s an untold volume of the wet stuff. It frequently gets into the sky above us and drops back down on our heads, sometimes without warning. For a race of aliens who’ve reached a level of technology that allows for interstellar travel, it really was a bone-headed move trying to invade us, considering that WATER BLOODY KILLS YOU!

In addition, their only form attack seems to be sneaking in, gasses people asleep and taking them back to the flying saucer. Intergalactic rape bandits?

2. The Plague (Fisher Stevens) from Hackers

I was a 14 year old boy when Hackers was released, and even at the time my first thought was that this dude needed to grow the fuck up. He’s a middle aged man with a film student beard who skateboards into work and insists that everyone calls him ‘The Plague’. In addition, the only people the smug twerp seem capable of threatening are a group of teenagers.

1. Kid Omega (Ken Leung) from X-Men 3

Pretty much everything in the third X-Men outing could be classed as ‘silly’, but few were as stupid looking as the mutants with gang tattoos assigning themselves ‘levels’ as though they’re playing a table top game. None, however, are as useless as ‘Kid Omega’. The first time he put on his ever-so-ernest tough act and pops his little spines out half the cinema-goers burst out laughing. He spends the rest of the movie lurking in the background while the actual mutants do all the fighting until it becomes his time to shine. Murdering a scientist whose only crime was trying to help people, Kid Omega unleashes his fury – as soon as he can get her close enough for a cuddle.

The only person who Porcupine Boy is a threat to is the ‘Free Hugs’ guy. And no, I have no idea what his codename is meant to mean either.

Next week: The Best Video Games for Movie Buffs (That Aren’t Based on Movies)

-Gareth Mitchell

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