The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

1.5/5
It is no secret that I am not a fan of the Twilight franchise, and I do believe I have valid reasons. You can read my review of New Moon, and my write up about why I disliked Twilight. I went into Eclipse thinking that maybe with a new director (David Slade who directed the excellent Hard Candy), perhaps this film might actually be good. Boy was I wrong, this film could possibly be the worst so far, it felt like they took everything wrong with the first and second film’s and increased it. I do believe that everything that is so wrong steams from the source material by one Stephanie Meyer. I tried to read Twilight and I felt like it needed to be burnt, it was awful. I can’t imagine how Eclipse the novel was, but if it was anything like this film, it must have stunk.
I was tempted to just have this review feature a picture of a turd, because that it exactly what this film is. What’s it about? Edward and Bella continue to debate about whether she should be turned into a vampire, he wont have sex with her unless they are married and he’s also scared it might kill her. On the other side, her father would rather her date Jacob, who is also in love with Bella. She doesn’t like him in that way until the third act of the film when she suddenly does. Meanwhile Victoria who still holds a grudge, wants to kill Bella as revenge for Edward killing James her eternal mate in Twilight. So she makes a bunch of new vampire’s to do it, lead by Riley. The Vulturi find out about something going on, and they don’t do anything. So the Cullen’s make a deal with Jacob’s people to protect Bella and kill the new born vampires.
So basically, nothing much happens. Edward and Bella try to convince us they are in love, there is again no passion between them, their romance seems so forced and pathetic. I can’t believe these two as a couple, I can’t even believe them as friends. Jacob for whatever reason is in love with Bella, she isn’t with him but then does. This is also unconvincing, I don’t know what Bella has done to be this amazing person that everyone’s in love with. She’s boring, pathetic, and a moron. Those aren’t qualities to fall for, but apparently they do. Edward and Jacob are both idiots, and they are in this unhealthy love triangle. It makes no sense. All three actors do such a bad job, Robert Pattinson away from this series is a good actor, but he can’t act his way out of a paper bag as Edward. Kristen Stewart is as awkward as ever, she really does not work as Bella either.  And she can be a good actress, I thought she was great in both Adventureland and The Runaways. The one person who was decent in Twilight and New Moon is absolutely horrible here, Taylor Lautner was truly terrible as Jacob. His character was likable, but now he’s just a big pathetic moron, spitting out horrible dialogue. To be honest, the only characters I thought were alright were Alice Cullen, Jasper Cullen and to a lesser extent Emmett Cullen. Ashley Greene has always been good in these films and she was sorely underused. Despite looking like … well a bizzare muppet, Jackson Rathbone was alright, at least Jasper is an interesting character. Despite how bad his acting came off, Kellan Lutz is fun, I didn’t mind him. Nikki Reed was awful as Rosalie, even with that back story is was just done so badly and she looks so stupid. Dr Cullen played by Peter Facinelli still looks weird and his acting is so off, I was not a fan. If I want to see him looking good and playing a great character I’ll watch Nurse Jackie. Bryce Dallas Howard was wasted as Victoria, she’s barely in it, and simply terrible. Xavier Samuel who was astonishing in The Loved Ones was decent here, he didn’t look too stupid and his acting was okay. He’s the main reason this gets a 1.5, I hope he goes on to better things.
So bad story, moving at a snails pace, boring, bad acting, awful script, bad directing, this is all just BAD. I will never understand the appeal, I don’t know why people see someone as idiotic as Bella as a role model. I have to worry about our future as a society that young girls look up to that, maybe parents should watch or read this trash and put their daughters on a better path. Don’t even get me started on Twi-Mothers, get a life perhaps? This has got to be one of the WORST franchises to come along in the past 20 years, everything about it is atrocious. I can’t even enjoy this on a so bad it’s good level, there is so much wrong. This is a film trying to be a horror, yet there isn’t anything scary, not even a drop of blood and vampires get decapitated. Honestly if I could fight this franchise to the death, I would. This film is horrible, the only use I have for the DVD is to wipe my ass with it and flush it down the toilet.

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