Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #19: Santa With Muscles

This entry was posted on December 23, 2014 by , in Columns, Tweets and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment

Hey everyone! Welcome to the 19th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. As you already know last month here on SuperMarcey.com, I said that this edition was going to be a special Christmas themed one in honour this month. I posted up poll with three bad Christmas movies and I said that whichever one out of those three films had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken.  For this 19th edition of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… SANTA WITH MUSCLES! Is this really the worst film that Hulk Hogan has ever been apart of? Does this film actually have the power to make everyone hate Christmas? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

santa-with-muscles-movie-poster-1996-1020204752

Bede @BedeJermyn

mksanta001

I know I’ve said this million times in other Bad Tweet-A-Thon articles before, but is it too late NOT to watch this film?

This opening looks like belongs in a horror film. Which is no surprise since this film, in its own way, is a horror film.

Oh, man. This little girl’s cutesy voice-over so bloody cutesy that it’s annoying!

I don’t know who this Garrett Morris is, but does he get the “and…” credit in this film?

Ladies and gentlemen, here’s star of the film. The greatest thespian of all time: Hulk Hogan.

Wait a sec, hold the phone! Jordan Belfort was an executive producer? THE Jordan Belfort?! THE WOLF OF WALL STREET?! o_O

mksanta005

Oh, man. Jordan Belfort must have been on a massive binge of hookers and quaaludes when he agree to produce this film.

You know what’s funny? Out of all the awful things that Jordan Belfort did in his life, producing this film is probably his biggest regret 

Really? It took three ‘writers’ to write this piece of crap?! Really?! REALLY?!

That dude that Hulk Hogan threw over the balcony looked like Danny McBride. He even had the same hair!

I don’t know what’s scarier: Hulk Hogan’s acting or the awful hair toupee that he’s wearing on his head.

You know, it doesn’t surprise that Hulk Hogan’s character gets fit by using Cartman’s Weight Gain 4000 from SOUTH PARK

santawithmuscles (6)_thumb[7]

Oh, hi Clint Howard. Well, I guess this officially proves that you were in awful films before working with Uwe Boll

Hulk Hogan grew up in a mall? Did I just hear that?

Geez, that charity lady is doing an awful job by sleeping on the job.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s against the law to shoot paint balls at police. Even if you are rich.

Hey look! It’s the guy who plays Donna’s Dad on THAT 70’S SHOW!

This evil Dr. Blight dude kind of looks like Richard E. Grant. Just without any of the talent or Britishness.

santa-with-musclesdfgdg

I’ve only met the film’s villains for not even 20 seconds, and there probably the least intimating villains ever.

So, one of the evil henchman is just a really evil version of a geologist? Ooookkkkaaaaayyyy.

Geez, this henchman are so crap. My 3-year-old niece could easily beat them in a fight.

Oh, Ed Begley Jr. Seriously, what are you doing in this film? You deserve better than this piece of crap.

Seriously, how can those cops not notice that its Hulk Hogan in that Santa costume? It’s not that hard to figure out.

Santa-With-Muscles

Ummm… What happened to that Santa statue that hit Hogan in the head in the trash duct? It just vanished a second later.

Oh, man. Donna’s Dad (Don Stark) is so bloody annoying! I really want to punch his character in the face!

Wait a minute. Where those shopping mall Elves smoking candy canes like they were cigarettes?!

“I want to buy you some acting lessons, Santa.”

Seriously, are these criminals think they can getaway with that giant bowl of money just by hiding it under their shirts?

mksanta016

“What are you gonna do, Santa? Buy me a lump of coal” “How about two!” *SMACK* That’s some real Shakespeare there, folks.

Yeah, that sleepy charity lady is so gonna get fired when she wakes up.

It’s pretty clear that Ed Begley Jr.’s villain is based on Howard Hughes. Just not as interesting though.

mksanta031

So… The bad guys drive around in an ice cream truck? Yeah, these guys are lousy at trying to make themselves intimating

You know what? If Hogan didn’t stop the henchmen from running over that guy, they would have been arrested by the police

Thus their evil plan would have been stopped and the orphanage would have been saved. But nope, Hogan screwed it up.

mksanta062

Holy crap! Mila Kunis is one of the orphans! I guess this proves that you have to a lot of crap before you do anything good

So, Mila Kunis and the two other kids are the only ones left at the orphanage. I guess they’re the ones nobody wanted

This little girl Elizabeth is very obsessive over Hogan, isn’t she?

1385929743_btwylb5rgiz2uhf

What the hell is Don Stark wearing for pyjamas? It looks like some cheapo sheep costume from a $1 shop

Seriously, I can’t stop looking at Hulk Hogan’s toupee. It’s just so off-putting and weird seeing him with hair.

Don Stark… WHY ARE STILL WEARING THAT SHEEP COSTUME?!

mksanta058

My God. I wish that Elizabeth’s voice would stop being so cutesy. It’s like hearing nails on a chalkboard

Wait. Mila Kunis learnt how to sew from a comic book? Ooookkkkaaaaayyyyy.

Man, Hogan’s acting is so awfully awkward in this scene.

swm1

Hogan’s updated Santa costume looks one that he would actually wearing in the wrestling ring.

Yeah, I don’t think ATMs ever had a thumb scanner attached any of them.

Yeah, I think I’m starting to figure the reason why Elizabeth’s Mum left at her orphanage now. She’s annoying!

24

Oh, dear God. Hogan and the little girl are singing. Please… Stop! Especially you, Hogan!

I don’t know how it’s possible: this film has BOTH least intimating good guy and bad guys EVER in a film.

Stop being such a pussy, Dr. Bright. Hogan barely even hit you.

Well, its easy for Hogan and Don Stack to break into the bay guy’s mansion since security is basically non-existent

Why did Hulk Hogan put that boy’s slingshot on Don Stark’s head for? It doesn’t make any sense.

mksanta091

What the hell? There’s a secret underground room with a vault in it under the orphanage? Ooookkkkaaaayyyy.

Whoa! Hogan and the gang have stumbled across Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.

Holy crap! Those crystals explode!

I’m not sure if Hogan’s character is trying regain his memory, or just trying to remember his next line.

Seriously, why are these people terrified of Dr. Blight. He’s not even that scary.

When in doubt, go for a giant candy cane as your weapon.

mksanta085

Geez, Hogan. You can easily beat this guy with one hand behind your back.

Hogan has fallen into a garbage truck. Funny, that’s where this film should have been thrown into as well.

Hey, Dr. Blight! The Tall Man called and he wants his haircut back!

“Maybe he did go back to the North Pole” Yeah, to get away from you!

Yeah, the bady guy’s entrance was a bit over the top, wasn’t it?

220px-Santa_With_Muscles

Seriously, why hasn’t anyone at the orphanage called the cops! They would do a better job than Hogan.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure chefs don’t wear clothes like that anymore.

mksanta117

SERIOUSLY, IF SOMEBODY HAD JUST CALLED THE POLICE, THIS WHOLE THING WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER SOONER!

Oh, dear God. This score isn’t ripping off THE GREAT ESCAPE theme is it?

I think Clint Howard only starred in this film because he was waiting for his brother Ron to cast him in one of his films

Yeah, Clint Howard’s character is one of the worst cops ever put on film.

Holy crap! The police are packing a bazooka! Is that even illegal?!

I like that this evil henchman isn’t at all suspicious that there is a chef offering food at the back door. Dumb arse.

1024_BadXmas_SantaWMuscles_mh_121312

I like Hogan how becomes a nice guy after regaining his memory back, instead of going back to being as a arsehole as he did before

Yeah, I’m starting to think that MR. NANNY may be a *better* film than this. *shudder* Ewww… I feel so dirty for saying that.

santa-with-muscles-screen-cap

Umm… Did Hogan and Don Stark just electrocute that henchwoman to death?

What a twist! Hogan just discovers that he actually grew up in the orphanage! That’s totally not surprising at all.

Wait a minute! Ed Begley Jr. also grew up in that orphanage too! And he and Hogan were friends! MIND BLOWN… Well, not really.

Ed Begley Jr. must be really strong to pull that giant crystal out of that rock.

For some bizarre reason there’s a bottomless pit in that cave. Well, that just came out of nowhere.

mksanta131

“It’s gonna blow!” Yep, just like this movie.

Well, it’s nice to see that the henchwoman wasn’t actually dead after all. That would have been disturbing if she was.

santa-with-musclesgd

Well, after all that time trying to save the orphanage, it basically just blows up anyway.

Dr. Bright is frozen stiff after being locked in that fridge. I guess you can say that he was frozen today *ba-da-dis*

Dear Jordan Belfort, I want you to write a tell-all book about your drug-filled experiences producing SANTA WITH MUSCLES. Love, Bede

Hey, Don Stark. The whole of tanning yourself is that you actually take your clothes off. On second thought, please don’t.

mksanta140

I wonder is it going to take Hogan’s character to go back to being arsehole like he was the beginning of the film?

Yeah, I think I’m gonna do a Jordan Belfort and take a lot of quaaludes just so I forget that I ever saw this piece of crap

Quaaludes-2

 Leo2 WTF_Leo tumblr_n2ygoxDe4n1sp4nfqo1_500

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this 19th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out next month for my very special bad films of 2014 themed 20th edition, which I could be doing on one of the following three bad 2014 released films: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2, I, FRANKENSTEIN or LEFT BEHIND. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon!

– Bede Jermyn

Leave a comment