Bede’s Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon #17: I Know Who Killed Me

This entry was posted on October 30, 2014 by , in Columns, Tweets and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment

Hey everyone! Welcome to the 17th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon series. As you already know last month here on SuperMarcey.com, I said that this edition was going to be a special horror themed one in honour of Halloween this month. I posted up poll with three bad horror movies and I said that whichever one out of those three films had the highest votes, I would watch and live-tweet for this column. Well, the votes are in and you all have spoken. It was a massive landslide victory for one film in particular. For this horror themed 17th instalment of Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon, you guys wanted me to watch and live-tweet… I KNOW WHO KILLED ME! Will I figure out if the plot to this film is one of the most bat shit insane horror films of all time? Was this film the film that truly destroy Lindsay Lohan’s promising career? Read on and find out! Enjoy!

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Bede @BedeJermyn

Oh, no. There’s a shot of neon lights  reflecting off water. This is going to be an art house horror film isn’t it?

What hell is this song?

Poor Lindsay Lohan. Instead of I KNOW WHO KILLED ME, the film should have been called I KNOW WHO KILLED MY CAREER

Man, this strip club would have be en better if it was the one in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN.

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So… Lindsay plays a stripper, but she doesn’t take her clothes off at all during her dances. What’s the point of that?

I’m sorry, Lindsay. But Elizabeth Berkley was a more convincing stripper in SHOWGIRLS than you are in this film.

Blood is trickling down Lindsay’s stripper pole. Yeah, this film is trying really hard to be ‘artsy’.

Oh! I’ve forgotten John R. Leonetti (INSIDIOUS 1 & 2, THE CONJURING, the PIRANHA remake) was the cinematographer on this film. His work here is the only good thing about it

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Geez. Even reading off a piece of paper, Lindsey still can’t her lines sound convincing

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Why does that gardener look like a young Bill Paxton?

Lindsay’s piano teacher looks kind of creepy

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Also why is Lindsay’s piano teacher wearing sun glasses inside the house?! Who Does he think he is? Bono?

Well, it’s nice to see the cat Mr. Biggleswoth from the AUSTIN POWERS films is still getting work

Man, every song in this film is weird.

Hmm… I wonder why I get the feeling that the poem that Lindsay is writing is going to mirror what happens later on in the film

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Brian Geraghty playing a high school student? The dude looks like he is 30.

*Checks Wikipedia* Oh. No wonder. He was 31 at the time when they shot the film. Okay.

Nothing against Brian Geraghty, but couldn’t they couldn’t got someone who was actually age appropriate for the role.

Especially since when Lindsay was just barely out of her teens around the time they made this film. It’s just creepy.

Eww! Brian is trying to feel up Lindsay!

Brian & Lindsay’s romance in this film… Still a more convincing love story than TWILIGHT.

Wow. What a subtle way of breaking some tragic news to your class, teacher.

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Hey, I didn’t know that Santa Claus worked a sheriff in his spare time.

Geez, the gardener isn’t being subtle about coming onto Lindsay, isn’t he?

Why is the film starting to look like it’s being shot someone’s home video camera during this football scene?

Oh, dear God. The film is going all ‘artsy’ again.

I think there is more neon in this film than the entirety of BATMAN & ROBIN 

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You can definitely tell while watching this film, that the director was definitely was inspired by giallo films

Man, this is the 2nd Bad Tweet-A-Thon film in a row Neal McDonough has appeared in. I think he needs to get a new agent

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Oh, hi Julia Ormond! I haven’t seen you in a film since the 90’s

Yeah, what the killer is doing to Lindsay’s hand is pretty gross.

No! Don’t cut off her hand! She still needs to write pretentious stories with it!

I have no idea why the police have stationed their base inside a church but whatever.

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Man, does all of the killer’s tools have to be blue? And plastic looking?

Funnily enough, this woman’s bad driving is surprisingly not as bad as Lindsay’s driving *ba-da-dis*

Man, that’s a big f#&king surgical saw!

No!!! Her leg is gone too!

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Man, not only has Lindsay lost her hand and leg, she’s lost her memory too! And she thinks she’s another person!

Man, this sounds like the plot to a really bad storyline from a daytime TV soap opera doesn’t it?

Funnily enough this scene with other Lindsay’s mother isn’t a flashback, it’s footage from Lindsay’s reality TV series

Okay… Why did Julia put on THAT voice for Lindsay? It was absolutely disturbing!

Wow, Other Lindsay is really mean to Julia in this film, isn’t she?

Well, that was an awkward argument.

Yeah, I think killer did more than just ‘cut’ Lindsay, detective.

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Oh, great. More ‘stripper’ scenes with Lindsay again.

This film has the weirdest soundtrack I have ever heard in a film. None of the songs fit the film at all.

If I have to give the film credit for one thing, this strip club actually looks like a real life strip club .

Ahhh… Not that I know what a strip club looks like in real life haha! Ummm… * Runs away*

Man, Lindsay’s stripper scenes go on for quite a long time. I guess the filmmakers wanted to milk it that for all it’s worth

Uh, oh. The killer is watching Other Lindsay from a distance. Sadly, it’s not creepy at all.

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These detectives aren’t doing a good job are they?

Worst. Psychiatrist. Ever.

“No! No!! I don’t want to play Charlie Sheen’s girlfriend in SCARY MOVIE 5!!!”

Oh, for crying out loud. The director’s artsy fartsy bullshit has got to stop! It’s both annoying and pretentious!

You know if I were I’d probably be freaking out too if Neal McDonough came into my room and tried to hold me down

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Wait a second… Isn’t that Crabman from MY NAME IS EARL?! He just came out of nowhere in this film

Also what the hell is he wearing?!

Man, there’s A LOT of blue and red in this film

The Other Lindsay doesn’t like cats? Especially one that looks like that? What a monster!

I bet any money that Brian’s character is thinking, “I like this new Aubrey!”

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Now he’s thinking in this scene, “Yeah, I REALLY like this new Aubrey!”

Why is this weird porno sounding music playing over Lindsay & Brian’s sex scene?! It’s absolutely bizarre!

Come to think of it, this ENTIRE scene is absolutely bizarre on every level

If you thought that the sex scene in WATCHMEN was awkward, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

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Also by the way, where the hell is that blue neon light coming from in Lindsay’s room?

Eeewww! The Other Lindsay’s finger is all gangrene and gross!

You know if I were in this strip club and Lindsay’s never took her off during her dance, I’d be pretty ripped off.

OMG Other Lindsay’s finger just fell off and she’s… Surprisingly taking it pretty well.

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This Hostess character at the strip club is the most bizarre character in the whole film and that’s saying something.

You know Other Lindsay is taking the whole losing her finger thing pretty well. If it were me, I’d would freaking the hell out.

“People get cut. That’s life.” That’s some pretty profound stuff you said right there, Mr. bus passenger.

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It’s pretty clear that Brian Geraghty went to the John Cena School of Acting for his role  in this film.

Well, that scene with Brian and the cops was pretty awkward.

Geez, Other Lindsay’s hairdo is like 10 times bigger than the rest of her body.

Man, that guy’s facial expression was hilarious lol!

“Hmmm… There has to be some cocaine around here somewhere.”

What the f&%k is with this scene?!

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Yep, let’s make sure we get some of that product placement in there in this shot.

You know that this film was set in the 00s ’cause the search engine that Other Lindsay is using is Ask, not Google

This guy on the computer looks like a combination of Jerry Lewis, Leonard Nimoy and Stephen King.

Uh, oh. I think we’re about to get a really implausible and ridiculous explanation to what’s going on with Lindsay

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Neal McDonough… Not being creepy at all.

I think Julia Ormond’s British accent just made a quick appearance during that monologue

Well, this film just took a turn for the ridiculous

Oh, no. Not this ‘artsy’ bullshit again.

Did Other Lindsay just intentionally give Neal the finger with her robotic hand?!

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Eeeewww! Other Lindsay is trying to reattach her finger!

You know as crappy as this film is, it is actually quite a visually beautiful looking film

Gee… I wonder who the killer is going to be? I really hope it’s not that creepy gardener from earlier in the film

Man, these transition and cutaway shots look really amateurish.

“I know who killed me!” Ahh… No, Lindsay. Nobody killed you ’cause your still alive. Dumb arse.

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Maybe we should have called someone about where we’re going” “There’s not enough time!” Again. Dumb arse.

POSSUM!

Oh, man. The film has gone back to looking like it was shot on someone’s home video camera again.

This is why digital will NEVER look as good as film. It looks absolutely horrible!

Why does the score now sound like its from the silent film era?!

That’s a lot of fake looking legs.

Was that glitter that just fell from the roof?!

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No! He killed Neal McDonough! You bastard!

Oh, wait! He’s alive! And now he’s dead. Well, that was short lived.

Poor Neal McDonough. All he wants is to be in a good movie. And some pie too.

Wait a second, hold the phone! The gardener wasn’t the killer?! I must have blocked that out of my memory after I first saw the film.

The killer was Lindsay’s piano teacher all along! *DA-DA-DA-DAAAAA!!!*

Man, this score is terrible.

Wait… So all the blue surgical tools were all made out of glass? Ooookay.

OMG The two Lindsays finally meet… Too bad I already saw it before in the far superior THE PARENT TRAP remake.

Lindsay, shouldn’t you be getting your twin sister to the hospital or something instead of lying on the ground with her?

Also what happened to Brian? He simply disappears from the rest of the film after the sex scene.

Well, that’s the end of the film. If I had to pin point the exact moment where Lindsay’s career went downhill, it’s here

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this special horror themed 17th edition of my Bad Movie Tweet-A-Thon! Keep a look out in November for my 18th edition, which could one of the following three bad films: DATE MOVIE, LOST IN SPACE or SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE. Which one will it be? Vote on the poll which will be posted on SuperMarcey.com soon!

– Bede Jermyn

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